Restless

I absolutely hate when I can't sleep. Because then I think.

I don't hate thinking so much as I hate who I think myself into.

Lord, save me from myself. From man.

I need you and you alone.

Vivira, Respira.

Live and breathe. Lately, I feel thats all I have the capability and strength to do.

Sometimes I really like to just sit and reflect on my life and who I was, am, and want to be. Today, I read through my old blog posts when I was in Estonia, and my heart broke a little bit.

A while ago I wrote that I've lost myself, or rather that myself has lost me, and that was and is true.

But thanks to a boy who loves me greater than I can ever imagine, it hit me like a train that I've been trying with everything I have to stop in its tracks. Bam. Mowed over without even a wince at the mess left behind.

Someone told me recently that they missed my smile. I used to smile all the time, didn't I? Wasn't I the girl everyone claimed as open and loving and accepting? Why am I angry and insecure and a lot more frustrated than normal, or ever? I don't have a root or a time where this happened or began, but I know where I am now and what its done to me.

My heart is calloused. Its grown cold and hard and I want it to break. I've wanted it to break for a while, and the other night in the midst of my getting plowed over by a metaphorical train, it did. Right there on the tracks, broken, shattered, and seemingly irreplaceable. For a while I felt like I'd never get it back.

If you know me, you know I have a thing for pennies. Its how the Lord tells me he loves me and that I'm worth something. A penny straight up fell in my lap the other day....and there was a penny in the drain in my kitchen sink today when I was cleaning dishes. In the freaking sink.

Okay, God.....I get it.

The heart, the me that I thought was gone and lost and completely unable to be redeemed, was on the cross and is now in my life today.

Hallelujah I can breathe again.

Vivira, respira.

Live, breathe.

I will.