My heart is broken over how unreal you have become to me.

Lord, I'm listening to that still small voice that sounds like a scream.

I'm running in every sense of the word in one direction.

I miss Estonia, I miss my close friends, I miss feeling adequate, and I miss being well.

Those thoughts are the main ones in my life lately, with THOSE being said, I know this:

I am my beloved's and He is mine. Hosanna in the highest. What a wonderful God.

10:42pm

Today, for the third time in my life, I saw my father cry.

I don't think there is a more heart-breaking sight than that of the strongest man you've ever known, who picked you up and carried you up the stairs as long as time and gravity would allow. The man who threatened all the boys who picked on me in school that he'd sit on them, and to this day still threatens that. The man who taught me about God, and faith, and love, and hope. The very same man who taught me how to laugh, and was strong for me when I couldn't be...

That man. I saw him cry today.

It was weird, the roles were switched for once. I picked him up, I had to try to figure out how I could be strong for him, how I could show him that same salvation and rescue that he showed and shows to me every single day. And I realized, I got nothin'

Hey Jesus, this is where you come in.

Today was a wonderful and much awaited confirmation that the Lord is in constant control of my life. He places people, conversations, and situations divinely and He opens up our eyes.

There are no limits to what He can do.

I'll be strong for my dad, I'll pray, and I'll love him back with all that I have because of the love he continues to give me and will give until there's no more left to give.

Goodness, gracious. All those "you's" that have broken, are breaking, and will break my heart, you can't touch me. 

Hosanna.

The Lord is a victorious warrior.

Just sit with that for a second.

I've been trying to just sit with a lot of truth lately, and like the dust in this house from the 1800s, these ideas get stuck in my throat. I try to cough and I still can't shake or relieve that push right in the center of my throat. The strength comes from something inside my chest, explodes into a cough....and nothing, the push is still there. Stuck.

Now is the part where I make some clever connection to how these truths get stuck in my chest and I can't do anything with them, but I'll skip all that and just say it:

These truths get stuck in my heart, in my chest, and I can't force them out no matter how I try.

Well, here's whats up: why would I want to shake truth? Duh. Truth is truth.

The Lord IS a victorious warrior. I AM loved by the great I AM. I AM beautiful.

And the hardest of all to sit with, "I am good enough."

You know, I've never believed that. Ever. Even now, when I have amazing opportunities left and right to show love and give love and learn more about the one who created love, I feel that I am not good enough, nor do I have the capacity to be.

Stuck. I hate the word, the feeling, the action of being stuck. When I used to cave a lot, I would get stuck often, and I hated it. One, because it confirmed all the other kids calling me 'Bessie the cow" and the ever-so-original, "Fatty" and two, because I was physically stuck. Stuck in a small hole in a small cave that could collapse and kill me. Rightfully so, I was scared. Now, when I feel stuck its the same feeling of literally having no power, no control, and no sense to know what to do. I assume a doctor would say something to me about Freud and how its a repressed memory and some of that I'll buy, but heres what it is: its the dust in my throat. Its the feeling that you'll never get out, that you are stuck, and you are stuck for good. Ugh, not okay. No one, ever, likes to be stuck. Small spaces I can deal with, I mean if you know me and you've seen the size of my bed you know what I mean. But being stuck, motionless, defenseless, hopeless....generally sucks. 

In all of this, there is still that truth. But the good thing about this truth that I'm stuck with, is that its legit. Its light, it opposes the dark, it claims solutions to being stuck, and provides confirmation that I am free. If I want this dust out of my throat I can walk down the stairs and out the front door to sit on my porch swing and pause to simply be present in the canvas the Lord has pained that we call home for now. The kingdom of heaven.

I'm not stuck in this truth, its stuck in me, and I am free to run around in it. 

So, thats what I'll do. I'll stand confidently, I'll walk and rest in the beauty that is the present tense because of the confidence I have in what has happened in the life of Jesus, His death and His resurrection, in order for this truth to be stuck in me and for me to be free.

Just lie down, take a load off.

I started this post with the most emo sentence ever, laughed about it, and deleted it.

Oh man, was it a good one.

My heart took off today. I absolutely LOVE fall, and today is the first day I've felt it in a while. You know what that means! Time for photos! 

I'm going to get a bunch of scenery shots this season, and I'm going to start on that portrait portfolio I've been wanting to do since March.

I'm falling in love with The Lord, with fall, and with this feeling.

I like this, yes I do.

Butterflies

There's always been a constant theme of butterflies in my life.

Well, now they're in my stomach.

I missed this.

Fall, hurry up, can't wait to be captivated by the love that you have in store.

Time for a new season.

Reminiscent

I'm sitting in a place that I haven't been to in over a year, trying to remember where I was this time a year ago. What I was feeling, who I was beginning to become, and then looking at now.  It amazes me what time, and the power of God, can do.

I love Auburn. For so long I was dead set on going to school here, I wanted to football, the community, the people, the art. But the Lord called my heart somewhere different, and I am so glad that He did. 

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I was wide awake thinking about this time last year, and my mind was bouncing all over the place and all of the sudden this feeling of clarity came over me.

I realized that who I am isn't defined by where I was or where I've been, or even where I'm going...but I am defined by WHO'S I am.

It was a comfort and a fear all at once. 

One of the biggest insecurities that I have struggled with in the past is being single. I laughed when I realized that I am as single as single gets, and instead of it pounding at the insecurities of my heart, I felt free. It was a freeing realization to know that I am so sick of relationships. it was a new feeling, thats for sure, but I love it.

Come on now guys, this is no diss to you. I have met and even dated some of the most wonderful men of God  I could even imagine. Some of you have shown me an illumination of love that serves as an encouragement for when and if I ever meet my husband. My image of a godly man has been shattered and re-build constantly, and the Lord works through every situation.

But I am fed up, and loving it.

That is my thought today, and my heart in this season.

ps- I love fall and can't WAIT for it to fully be here.

God has spoken...

...the rest is commentary, right?

-Rob Bell.

I picked up Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell right where I left off, and its no coincidence that I picked up in the middle of a chapter that happened to be speaking on the topic of discernment. Nope, God did that.

Sheesh, I love it.

So, the bible is more than just cool stories of miracles and things happening totally moved by the spirit. Its truth, that helps us to know what is light and what is dark. What the Lord speaks and what He doesn't. The thing that I've seen so often lately in my faith, my walk as a Christian, I've noticed that I tend to float around in the spirit of all the cool things I see God doing and the miracles I see every day; from the simple fact that I'm still breathing to people giving their lives up to Christ. Often, I'll forget what it means to be anchored. So, when I start to float around, after a while I begin to feel fake, like I' m acting, and that scares me because I'm damn good at it. I've been praying for the Lord to make me feel again instead of being numb, to give me an extreme emotion whatever that emotion may be, and for the knowledge and wisdom to discern; to know light from dark.

Well, lucky me, and lucky us, thats what the bible does :) Along with it working at a double edged sword, and a mirror (James 1), it is how we discern light from dark. What the Lord speaks and what he doesn't. After all, "God has spoken, the rest is commentary, right?"

Right. Although I am a christian and I pray for the Lord to guide me with His voice and the choice to walk in truth, it does not in any way mean that every thing I do and say is truth. I strive for that, but I am not perfect. 

Its important as HECK for you, for me, as a believer or a non-believer in Christ to look at yourself, evaluate what's going on, and thinking for yourself. Exploring. Don't convince yourself that you're perfect, in God's eyes, you are blameless, but you have to be humbled by that not uplifted above His eyes. I am learning humility like crazy, and looking back on who I was a year ago this time amazes me and encourages me like crazy. Truth grows within questioning and seeking. I'm trying to do this. Who's with me?

"Being a Christian is about engaging the mind and heart more and more, not shutting them off or letting someone else think for you. The writer Peter urged Christians to be alert. Paul tells his listeners in Thessalonica to test everything and hold onto the good." - Rob Bell

So there you have it, my commentary for this period in my life.

Desiring to be anchored in truth, seeking the FACE of God, not just His works.

Recognizing that The Lord exists everywhere, and I am called to know Him and make Him known.

Colossians 3:1-17

Yep. Truth. Let's do this.