Once again.

Failed.

Someone once told me that I see the world the way it was meant to be seen. That I live in a way that people should encourage and appreciate...

I sure as hell hope not.

I've been in the middle of a sick painful and frustrating battle for the last six years.

And I'm beyond sick of it. I want it done. It's done. It is finished. I declare freedom and I speak this away.

Satan, when will you relent?

I'm not worthy of any of this: a loving family, friends like sisters, a boyfriend with an honest heart, a ministry with amazing high schoolers, an internship that is a tangible version of my heart.

I'm not worthy of any of it, and I can't begin to understand how God still l loves me.

I want your divine nature, I'm putting it on.

I want out of my skin, of my shell. I want out of this.

I just want to be done, and some days I don't feel strong enough. Some days I want to crawl away and erase the last day or so. Some days I make myself sick, and I just want to be done. I just want victory.

A new season

Its about freaking time.

I've been so sick of where I am and where I've felt like I've been stuck lately and I can't wait to move. I can't wait for movement, for motion.

These past few months have been some of the most discouraging months of my life. All I've wanted to do was get this season over with. I just wanted to paint whatever picture needed to be painted, and be done, then move on.

But thats not the way the Lord desires my heart to be, so the past few months were how they were for a reason: to refine me through the flame.

Who would have thought it would be so painful? To refine something, it must go through fire.

So I am.

On being home.

Its been so nice to be home lately, but only for the sole reason that I've missed my parents and the community that I have in them.

I don't fully hate this town, hate is even too strong of a word these days.

But there is still something to be said about a lack of authenticity around here, and an excess of arrogance...which makes sense why I was the way I was for so long.

I think the best thing that's happened to me was moving out and realizing that home really is where my heart is, not my person.

I love that I can rest in that hope, home is where my heart is...not where I am physically, and I'm more than excited for the day that my home and my location are lined up.

Another thing other than the idea of home thats been on the forefront of my mind lately, is this idea that I'm not perfect. I mean, I've grown up hearing and trying to believe it, but it never stopped me from striving for it.

Well, lately that idea has been beyond shattered in my mind and life and I've never felt more freedom from it in my life. Its wonderful :)

This summer and the fact that I'll be in another country loving people in the name of Jesus has a lot to do with this though. Absolutely.

I'm going to be with a team of people who aren't expecting perfection by any means, but devotion. Not that every step is the right one, but that my heart behind my steps is pure and desiring to honor the Lord.

I'm not too worried, except for the fact that I don't want to feel judged and I want to break that idea immediately.

I've got all these fears and ideas bouncing around my head, and I'd like them to stop for a second and just breathe so I can do the same.

Dear summer,

I once asked you to break my heart for what the Lord breaks for but to leave my legs so I can at least stand. I'm still desiring the same heart for this summer.

Go easy on me, I'm not super woman.

Love, Sam.

I am my father's daughter.

You love me, you really love me.

I have an amazing dad, and empowering dad. One who loved me so well that I didn't have to heal bridges and wounds in order to successfully receive from my heavenly father. I have a dad who didn't let a day go by without saying "still one more."

No, he's not perfect, but his love for me is.

I have an amazing dad. We have an amazing Father.

The rain poured so hard tonight.

"When your heavenly father rains down on you, its not like you can rain back at him. So, just stand in it. Receive it. Dance in it!"

I got home earlier tonight, and my dad gave me his old bible that he found when going through stuff (along with the cleaner's receipt that my mom wrote her name and number down for him the nigh they met. He kept it! Such a romantic...its where I get it from) and in his bible, he had Psalm 119:11 marked and noted. Just like mine. Just like my heart.

I am my father's daughter, and I love every aspect of that.

Sheesh, Jesus, you're so freaking cool.

Hosanna.

Ma armastan sind, Eesti.

Oh man. Oh man, oh man.

My heart is soaring, and I can't wait to be in Estonia.
The weather is beautiful and today I had a perfect moment that I'm choosing to keep for a while.

I walked up to my house after having a wonderful morning/afternoon and I saw a dandielion...you know, the one's that you blow all the little things off and make a wish. So, I stood in the sunlight just before the shadow that my nostaligic green house makes on the sidewalk, made a wish, took a deep breath, and didn't stop exhaling until every floating piece was off the stem. I stood there for a bit, spun around once or twice, taking in the suns rays that for a while I didn't believe I deserved, and realized just how blessed I am.

Goodness, it was perfect.
I'm going to trust this for a little bit.

So, this is my heart lately.

I have this friend named Jacob who has a wonderfully authentic view of life, love, redemption, hope, and roots. So, here's what he has to say and beautifully took the words out of my mouth.

"2/7/10: My waffle house romance observations

Two booths at Waffle House other than mine.
One has two couples, four friends.
I'll admit that I'm nosy when it comes to people watching, so I listen to them.
Dropping serious discussion topics for college seniors.
"His career." "Starting a family." "Saving money."
Both girls had rings on their fingers.
Recently engaged.
No physical interaction? His arm is halfway draped around her on the edge of the booth. One girl grabs her fiance's arm during the conversation.
But rings on fingers mean's love. They're in love?
Planning for the future. Homes, jobs, careers, families, bank accounts, forms, papers, taxes.

Booth two. Have they stopped staring at each other since they walked in?
Enormous, goofy grins.
He keeps stepping on her toes under the table, on purpose.
She kicks him back.
He jokes about something quietly, she bursts with the most annoying, loving laughter.
He smiles and can't help but chuckle at her.
Her face crinkles in a playful, posed frown, but she knows why he's laughing at her.
She knows how he feels, she knows she makes him smile.

The all leave.
First the two couples, then the one.
Six people leaving.
Three men pay checks.
Two of the men shake hands.
Two of the women hug and say, "Goodbye!"
Two cars driving off to plan their lives.
But one guy and one girl laugh and stumble off to their car.
He gives her a push and runs off, slowly, as if he wanted to be caught.
She catches him, punches him. He lifts her in the air. And they laugh.

Rings are metal and rocks. "Engaged" and "fiancee" are words, created by people.
But love is love, and romance is romance. Feelings are feelings, more than words, actions.
Second booth, please."

Second booth, please indeed.

annndd, we're done.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that love shouldn't be conditional, and neither should my mood.

My hope isn't in man, but the Lord.

"I must pull myself together, this is a brand new day." - Bryce Avary