People continued.

I can't stop listening to Sean McConnell, Joshua Radin, and the Once soundtrack.

It just feels right.

This another person I've had the opportunity to meet since leaving the US:

This is Seth Miller. He is one of the most genuine people I know. The moment I met him, he showed sincerity and his huge heart for discipleship. He is going to to great things, I genuinely believe that. Plus, him and his two best friends and I are planning to go to Africa next summer. We shall see. Either way, this isn't the last I'll see of those three. I believe that, too.

I suppose I'm not as soft as I give myself credit for, which is a shock...because sometimes I swear I was raised by teddy bears.

SInce being here, my heart has been softened so much, the stone around it has been chipped away and for the first time in almost a year, I've cried. Which is amazing, because I needed it so badly.

I'm onto something here...and I can't wait to figure it out.

Love.

Malenovice, Czech

So, I've been in the Czech Republic for the last week or so and I've met some wonderful, wonderful hearts and learned so much about who they are. Everyone involved with this ministry is so transparent and willing to know and love others around them.

These are some people that have really touched my heart.

This is Brittany. She is absolutely hilarious and ridiculously friendly. She has the spirit of a child and isn't afraid to be like a child, but at the same time has a wonderfully mature spirit. I feel like I've known this girl for years, and I know this isn't the last I'll see of her. In the short time we've been here, her spirit and her smile have encouraged

me so much.

This is Katelyn Joy. Rightfully named, if I do say so myself. I chose this picture over the other ones (of her laughing because she is FULL of joy) because it really shows who I have seen her to be at her core. She is a thinker. She is

the kind of girl who wants to know who she is speaking to. No matter who, no matter where from, she is intently listening to you and your heart and from that, JOY just radiates from her. Not to mention her eyes can pierce through even the hardest of hearts.

And this beautiful creation is Katie. This girl is one of the most encouraging, hilarious, and kind women I know. She has the most free spirit and radiates joy from her as well. As you can see, she is the biggest goof, and finds joy in everything. She is intentional with her conversation and is aware of what she has to do to focus her mind on the Lord which I really admire. She enjoys keeping calm when she needs to, but dances in the joy of the Lord in every moment she can. I have absolutely loved my time here, and I can't believe I have another two months ahead of me of meeting people and growing life on life with them. This is just the Czech! My team and I leave for Estonia tomorrow morning, and after a 21-hour car ride will arrive in Tartu!

3:43am

Well, here is where I am:

Love is a choice. Love is not a victory march. Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.

I'm so broken, and I need my Lord. I need my Jesus.

Love, sing to my soul. Sing to my heart.

Don't let me go.

May 16th, 2010

My Utmost for His Highest

Recognize that God does in fact provide. If we’re focused on our own self-pity, we don’t leave any room for the God of the universe to use us to love someone else.

Conviction, much?

Lately, I’ve been very selfish with my time and energy and I don’t think I like it. Yeah, God is big enough to work through my junk, my crap, and change the world despite the fact that I suck. But that doesn’t make it okay for me to be so selfish.

I’m excited to change this.

I was thinking about my mission in Estonia this summer, and I don’t like that I feel like I’ve been viewing it as an escape. I don’t want to run away to serve and then comeback to be the same as I was before.

I want to leave from a place of worship, from being a servant, to being a servant somewhere else and continue to be a servant when I come back from overseas.

So, I prayed for opportunity and to not be blind to it when it comes my way.

Literally, the next day, I met a homeless man named Rick and I just talked to him. It was funny, because I sat there and thought about talking to him, drove away, and turned around to go talk to him. I thought it was classic that it happened that way.

His name was Rick, from Seattle, who loved the Lord and wanted to read his bible more than he did.

He clearly saw society, and how distant, fake, and just mean people can be. He was broken-hearted and down in his spirits.

He had a ridiculous tan from walking up through south Florida on his way to New York. I told him it was a crazy place to which he said, “isn’t it all?”

Yes, Rick. Yes it is.

It was really beautiful if you ask me.

I’m going into this summer, with the mindset that Rick has. With a clear, open mind, a broken and humbled heart, and a desire to know people and learn more about the God that I love.

Ten days.

Once again.

Failed.

Someone once told me that I see the world the way it was meant to be seen. That I live in a way that people should encourage and appreciate...

I sure as hell hope not.

I've been in the middle of a sick painful and frustrating battle for the last six years.

And I'm beyond sick of it. I want it done. It's done. It is finished. I declare freedom and I speak this away.

Satan, when will you relent?

I'm not worthy of any of this: a loving family, friends like sisters, a boyfriend with an honest heart, a ministry with amazing high schoolers, an internship that is a tangible version of my heart.

I'm not worthy of any of it, and I can't begin to understand how God still l loves me.

I want your divine nature, I'm putting it on.

I want out of my skin, of my shell. I want out of this.

I just want to be done, and some days I don't feel strong enough. Some days I want to crawl away and erase the last day or so. Some days I make myself sick, and I just want to be done. I just want victory.

A new season

Its about freaking time.

I've been so sick of where I am and where I've felt like I've been stuck lately and I can't wait to move. I can't wait for movement, for motion.

These past few months have been some of the most discouraging months of my life. All I've wanted to do was get this season over with. I just wanted to paint whatever picture needed to be painted, and be done, then move on.

But thats not the way the Lord desires my heart to be, so the past few months were how they were for a reason: to refine me through the flame.

Who would have thought it would be so painful? To refine something, it must go through fire.

So I am.

On being home.

Its been so nice to be home lately, but only for the sole reason that I've missed my parents and the community that I have in them.

I don't fully hate this town, hate is even too strong of a word these days.

But there is still something to be said about a lack of authenticity around here, and an excess of arrogance...which makes sense why I was the way I was for so long.

I think the best thing that's happened to me was moving out and realizing that home really is where my heart is, not my person.

I love that I can rest in that hope, home is where my heart is...not where I am physically, and I'm more than excited for the day that my home and my location are lined up.

Another thing other than the idea of home thats been on the forefront of my mind lately, is this idea that I'm not perfect. I mean, I've grown up hearing and trying to believe it, but it never stopped me from striving for it.

Well, lately that idea has been beyond shattered in my mind and life and I've never felt more freedom from it in my life. Its wonderful :)

This summer and the fact that I'll be in another country loving people in the name of Jesus has a lot to do with this though. Absolutely.

I'm going to be with a team of people who aren't expecting perfection by any means, but devotion. Not that every step is the right one, but that my heart behind my steps is pure and desiring to honor the Lord.

I'm not too worried, except for the fact that I don't want to feel judged and I want to break that idea immediately.

I've got all these fears and ideas bouncing around my head, and I'd like them to stop for a second and just breathe so I can do the same.

Dear summer,

I once asked you to break my heart for what the Lord breaks for but to leave my legs so I can at least stand. I'm still desiring the same heart for this summer.

Go easy on me, I'm not super woman.

Love, Sam.