A new foundation.

There will never be a day that when I hear someone gave their life to Christ that I won't cry.

I genuinely believe that.

If you've ever heard of the story of Fruitcake & Ice Cream by Louie Giglio...you really should listen to it.

Long story short there are these two girls, one who's life was impacted by the Lord, and another who's life was impacted by the first girl who's life was impacted by the Lord.

Its a story of love when its not comfortable, and love when its hard.

Its a story about giving up never being an option and about the fact that life in no way shape or form turns out how we want expect it to.

Its a story about redemption, and fire, and pain, and love, running, watching...and fruitcake and ice cream.

I have an ice cream in my life, and she calls me her fruitcake.

That is a blessing in it of itself that the Lord has given me this amazing beautiful and brilliant girl and made her a part of my life that I know will never willingly let go of me.

Thats cool.

Not only has He given me that, but He's taught me so much about myself and how WE love Him through my relationship with this girl.

I love her to the moon and back.

Anyway, my point about fruitcake and ice cream....The girl who's life was changed by the first girl: in the story, the real-life true story, she became a believer and three or so months later died in a car accident. Not the ending you would have picked, however the Lord knows what He's doing...

She kept this journal, that the other girl gave to her father, who read it, read about Louie Giglio...and then approached him and gave it to him to have...which is where Louie gets the basis for this specific sermon about grace and passion and fire and pursuing the heart's of God's people.

That story has changed countless lives, given countless nights and moments of hope. Its been a hope for me and my ice cream, and something that shakes the very foundation that is my soul.

I was looking at Passion's 268Blog today, and Louie made a post regarding this story. You really should go read it. http://268generation.com/blog/ Its titled, "Sometimes there is a Bow."

However, long story short: Ice Cream's father became a Christian a few days ago because of the way the Lord used the story of his daughter to impact the lives of SO many people.

And now I'm crying. Praise you, Jesus. Your power and love is good. Your grace and mercy are my healers and you are the God of the universe who loves us.

Sheesh.

So, I've started writing music...

I am absolutely overwhelmed with joy and peace and I have no idea what to do with it.

In the words of Taylor Swift, "When I feel strong emotions about something, I usually write a song about it."

So, I did.

A lot of definite things are happening that haven't happened to me in years. I'm feeling things I didn't allow myself to forever, and I can't tell if I'm scared or misplaced.

Something is telling me that I'm just scared.

Even though I should stop, well, here I go.

I miss a lot of things, I love a lot of things, I want to be a lot of things and go a lot of places.

But I believe in one thing: I'm loved and pursued by the God of the universe.

That is something that will never change. "Your love never fails."

Well, my philosophy class is calling my name. Plato, here I come.

Goodbye for now, be blessed, be loved.

Oh hey, 6:00am...part 2.

Everything previously written: deleted.

Heres where I am: I'm sick of insincerity. Ridiculously sick of it, and I am so blessed my life has the beautiful beams of authenticity that it does.

I have some thoughts on some friendships and honestly, I'm through playing mediator. I'd rather lay them down.

I'm encouraged. Passion is soon, and I'm excited to see some Estonians, to learn about the Lord, to be in a place where so many hearts are consumed by lights and fashion. Its all very humbling, which by the way, humility is a choice. So is love.

Thanks again, 6:00am, I needed this.

I am so sick of things in my life going full circle.

I'm sick of falling into patter after pattern of my own selfishness and my own sin.

Lord, sustain me. Fight with me.

My heart is weak and my spirit fails, but you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Do away with the evil in me, blow through it and trade my ashes for beauty.

I'm starting to realize again, like I have many times before, that I cannot do this alone.

I'm praying for strength, I'm praying for trust, I'm praying for grace and mercy.

I'm just praying.

And fighting.

And running.

And receiving.

And living.

Amen.

Redeemed.

You are slowly erasing every past scar and filling my heart with renewed encouragement.

Where have you been?

Thank you. Praise, YOU.

My heart is oh so encouraged, and my soul is loving City & Colour and Bradley Hathaway lately.

Move.

I want to be a writer. I want to be a musician.

I want to be a mother, a teacher, a professor, a photographer, a missionary.

I want to be a lot of things. Most if not all, aren't very possible for me.

The biggest thing for me, is what do I pursue now?

I feel a bit stuck, a little upset, and a lot confused because I have no idea why I feel either.

So, I'm going to drive. I'm going to run errands, keep busy.

I'm going to sing, and I'm going to pray, and maybe go to a tacky christmas sweater party and dance...

But, most importantly, I'm going to be real. And out of that authenticity...I'll move.

That is where movement is in my life. Love, authenticity, experience, example. Faith.

I'm ready to move.

Stranger in Blackbird.

An excerpt from my journal on Nov 18, 2009.

“I love random coffee house conversations, and just meeting people. Its cool when you realize two life paths colliding. I have no clue who you are, where you’ve been, or where you’re going, but for this brief moment our tracks overlap, or meet, whichever way you want to spin it. They’re similar...for five seconds, minutes, moments, hours, whatever. And then with a cough to close out the conversation...its done, and you’re back on your train. Our lives collided for a few moments, and I don’t even know your name. Maybe its better that way. To have a solely coffee shop moment. A wonderful mystery where I can give you a character, a plot, a story, and have a nice little moment of a play-life, or I could discover who you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. I could figure out who the Lord has made you to be, or if you even know the Lord. I could learn your favorite color and maybe even become so close that your future children could call me “Aunt Sam.” Or I could even fall in love with you. There’s some cheesy country song or even songs about this very idea. That every person around us not only has a story, but is significant. They matter, and this person, this “right person” for you and for your life, could be someone you pass on a train, a nearby car on the highway, on the street, and the reality is we don’t realize the significance of our own God’s beautiful creation, His children. Its not a selfish thing, moreso, than the fact that we just don’t get it. We desire for significance and we don’t realize the person next to us at Blackbird, or in class, or at Walmart, desires the same thing. So, thank you stranger, for your one kind look that sparked a two second conversation and 3-4 pages of my journal realizing that I desire significance...and so do you. The question is: do we share, care, or love enough to help each other find it? And if we do, are we going to actually do something about it? Because, the truth is stranger, as much as I want to know who you are, I probably won’t. Timing is everything, and I almost feel I’ve missed out. Well, except for the realization that this needs to change...but I’ve missed out on you, on knowing you, and who you are. But I do know this: the Lord calls you His and you are precious to Him. Maybe thats what I’m supposed to walk away with...that no matter what we do, Lord, you LOVE us and you want us. You want me to realize your love, desire, and wanting to know this stranger. The best part is, we aren’t strangers to you. You know us. Isaiah 60. You know us.

Once again, thank you, stranger.”

A week later, this stranger, this thought process, is still stuck in my mind. I’ve realized that I can’t forgive myself for things I have or haven’t done. If you’re reading this, and you talk to God, or if you never have...please talk to Him on my behalf. Pray for me. I’m learning more about grace and what it means to forgive myself.

(later that night)

Somewhere between midnight and 2:00am, my heart healed a little bit. Tonight was so good for my soul. Thank you, Jesus. Love is on the move.