"We had the eyes of refugees."

I started reading a book today, or rather listening to it on CD..shh don't tell, about a woman who went through a heinous divorce, then a passionate love affair, to find herself followed by "goons" known as Depression and Loneliness while traveling around the world to do only what she had left or new how to do: to find peace.

At the beginning, she began her story describing her heartbreak and fear that her seemingly model marriage brought her, and how she battled every night for months to years at a time feeling alone and trapped. She describes her and her ex-husbands relationship as one that towards the end, cause for redemption from the other person. She says, "he wanted a settlement and all of our money, and I just wanted the door." She later explains that towards the end, all they wanted was the end and they "had the eyes of refugees."

I was reading, or rather listening, to this woman's tale and thought "Geez, thats painful and broken and I never want that." She said, "I wish for you, my delicate reader, that you never have to go through a divorce in New York" to which I could only reply, "Amen."

It seems, that for the first time in what feels like ever, I find myself outside of myself and my surroundings noticing that where I am when I'm in a certain unnamed place...I have the same heart of needing redemption. When I am here, I have the eyes of a refugee. I want out all of the time, and everything is beyond a stab in my back, but a punch straight to the gut. All day, in and out, punch, punch, punch, with the occasional slap in the face.

Most would say run. But having the heart of a believer, I know this is where I'm supposed to be. Which is ridiculous if you ask me, or really anyone. Whether you're suffering for righteousness sake or not, you're still suffering...and hard. I suppose I really only have myself to blame. I walk around dressed as a human punching bag attracting, and part of me feels even desiring, for those who need to take a punch to do it, because I feel I can handle it. There is, however, some truth to the fact that I can handle it. Again, being a believer, knowing the Lord, and understanding as much as I humanly can why this is my role most of my life, I find peace in this fact. But then I hear this: "You MUST be a really crappy person. This isn't the first time this has happened to you. After a certain amount of time, you're always here. No matter where you flee, no matter who you meet, after that amount of time they will see that you really are a terrible friend. The gig is up, stop pretending, because sooner or later they will see that you really do in fact suck big time. What do you think will happen when your husband reaches this point? He'll just leave you and remind you further of the fact that you aren't good enough and no matter what you do, you will never please anyone in the slightest bit."

punch to the gut.

After laying on the floor in pain from that ever-so-lovely string of statements, I stand up, brush myself off, and with my actions loudly proclaim, "do it again."

I wish I had a redeeming way to end this. But for now, I have the eyes of a refugee.

Lufthansa LH 444: Frankfurt to Atlanta.

Written on August 8, 2011 on the flight from Frankfurt to Atlanta:

-I wonder who you are. I bet you have a cool name like Gague or Collier. You probably listen to good music, and your tattoos seems so natural.

They're of headdresses in faded neutral colors - so something tells me I'd really like your heart.

What did you grab to sit with? Your iPod and a book. Your blue passport shows that you're American, but I didn't need to see that to know I don't think.

This is another one of those moments where paths cross for not even a second, then continue on in their own separate ways.

Who knows, maybe my kids with call you uncle [insert potential name for the cool-named-tatto-iPod-book-airplane-guy.]

What kills me is that this isn't anything like a "love at first sight" thing. Its more of a "we'd probably be really cool friends" thing. And not to be dramatic, but I'll probably never know a thing about you. SO, cool-haircut-natural tattoos-gauges-airplane-iPod-book guy, I wish you a good life and a growing soul.

I suppose my mind works a bit like a movie. Its amazing, really. But I get stuck in this "I'll never know you so I'll imagine you" world and I forget my life isn't as magical as I imagine it sometimes.

So, to remedy my 10-hour flight blues, I'll survive on no sleep and submerging myself in movies I haven't seen. Beautiful.

Atlanta, I can't wait to see you. I've missed you.-

Going through and reading my old journals from this summer make me feel more like myself. I'm not a huge fan of who I've been lately. Who I am hates who I've been I guess you could say. I want to be me, fully, vulnerably, wholly, and holy. Me. One thing I've learned, is that I am quite the dreamer. I want to be that. And I will be. I will be my dreams.

Are you ready? Because I am.

I love this quote: "My whole life I've believed I was made for something big. Now, I'm just waiting." But the truth is, I'm not waiting anymore.

Cliche? maybe, cheesy? perhaps. But I mean it, I'm not sitting on my ass anymore. I'm getting on my feet and I'm making it count.

Ma olen valmis.

I'm ready, I am.

Somewhere beautiful.

I had this thought today: I was never one of the popular or envied or pretty girls in high school. In every class, there is this set of girls, anywhere in between five and nine of them, and they really seem to have it all. The same girls who are dating the same guys they dated 3 years later. The same girls who you often go and try to see pictures of them on facebook hoping they've gained weight or in some way look worse than you do.

Its crazy, really.

Back to my thought though, I was never one of these girls. I fact, these girls silently made my high school experience ridiculously frustrating. Because I understand this mindset. Noticing that everyone thinks you have and are everything, and living in fear that people are going to find out that you really don't have it all together. And if or when they do find this out, you won't become human to them, you will become imperfect. You become discredited, and you no longer hold worth to them.

So, I kept thinking about this. I honestly have no clue where it came from, but the thought progressed into the realization that even thought I was never one of "those girls" I find myself stuck in this idea of not wanting people to see me weak or broken or like I don't have it all together.

I'm so worried about this, that I untag or delete any picture of myself on facebook that shows a sign of imperfection, or weight gained. I wear cardigans when its hundreds of degrees outside so that I won't be distracted by how much I hate my arms, and neither will anyone else. I listen to my iPod as loud as I can when I run because I hate hearing my own breathing, struggling to catch it. I don't like working out with people because I don't want them to see my physical weakness, and I rarely cry in front of people, because I don't want them to see me crying.

As much as I share my past and my heart, and I do...a lot...I don't really dive deep into my life now. I'll gladly share something I've been through and how I got through it, but I don't like to share the implications it has on my life now.

I feel that I've been through and felt a lot internally and sometimes I feel like because these things were so long ago, they aren't allowed to affect my spirit today...which is just not true.

They do.

I guess all of this to write or say that I'm a wreck, I'm a mess, and it amazes me that in the midst of that God still wants to use me.

Its about 1pm here in Tartu, Estonia and in about an hour or so, I will get in a taxi to the Tartu bus station to take a bus to Tallinn for the night and head back to Atlanta tomorrow morning.

Sitting here in the kitchen of the house I've been living in all summer, I'm trying to gather in my mind all that I've learned and all that I want to take back with me, and this is it: that I can be vulnerable and bold as hell in my relationships. That I wouldn't be afraid to share my past yes, but also my present, because its just as real. We can't hold onto the past, its the past, it doesn't exist anymore. We are where we are when we are there.

Think about it.

I am where I am when I'm there. And thats that. And that is my heart: to share my present and be in the presence of our God all of my days.

That is somewhere beautiful to me.

"Feed my sheep."

This past week or so was my first camp of the entire summer.

I've never been more attacked spiritually, and now physically in my life this far.

Most of the week I felt defeated. I felt weak and weary and like I should just give up because the camp was going up in flames because of me. It wasn't until after debriefing of the american teams did I realize my team members at the other camps battled the exact same thing: the idea that they are worth it, that our God wants to use them, and that they aren't a complete failure.

Each morning at camp we had a team meeting bright and early to prepare ourselves and have a moment to breathe, and one morning, Mart presented this scripture to us:

John 21: 15-19. Jesus and Peter. I love this story. In the literal translation of the word "love" when Jesus asks peter, "Do you love me?" three times, He is asking, "Peter, do you love me UNCONDITIONALLY?" and Peter replies, "I love you conditionally." Three times. To the son of God. I love you CONDITIONALLY. Jesus' immediate response? Feed my sheep.

No hesitation. No fear. No doubt. Feed my sheep.

In that moment, Peter pretty much sucks, doesn't he? He can't even lay down his love for the God of the universe. But what happens? Jesus feels compassion for him, and declares him worthy, and commands him to feed his sheep.

Goodness, if that isn't me I don't know what is. This whole week, moment after moment left me feeling weary and weak and worthless. There were moments where God's power, as it should, surpassed my fear but immediately I'd fall into listening to a lie about my worth all over again.

One night I had a headache that I thought was literally straight from hell. I had been praying to see a penny, to see a reminder of my worth somewhere, an I looked down and saw 50 krooni on the ground. That was pretty neat.

Then I went into the back room because I felt terrible still, and Mart asked to pray for me. He didn't pray for my headache, he prayed that I would know my worth.

Thank you, Jesus for that tangible example that you hear me, and you respond.

SO many things happened this week, so many people were placed in my life that I know I'll be tied to forever and that I will see again, and all of these things, connections, ties, answered prayers, moments of God's complete and utter power were all revealed to me when I had a moment to finally breathe after camp when we were staying at the church in Jogeva.

I loved that moment, it reminded me of my own little Blackbird Coffee in Estonia. I sat on the be where I stayed with my music, coffee, journal, and bible. It was perfect and so needed. I even took a picture of it.

Here was where I had a moment to document and really look back and see the ways that God moved. Past all the frustration, past all the fear, past all the deep feeling of failure, I got to see God's power. I was reminded of some people God blessed me with. Like this girl, Sara.

She's from LA. God linked our stories in an amazing way.

And this lovely woman, Jenna Black.

It amazes me the plans God has for two people who would have never though they would ever meet.

Our God is truly powerful.

I'm back in Tartu now, sick, but beginning to feel refreshed. Tired, but encouraged. Our God is a victorious warrior.

"Don't let the small mishaps eclipse the awesome power of God." - Bethany Deskins.

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary.

Pure and holy, tried and true.

Amalie, Johanna, and I went to a Jaanipäev party in Jõgeva tonight! it was beautiful, just wanted to share some pictures!

stopped in the highway to take this.

This is Sulew. This was an accidental picture, and I love it.

This is Johanna, she is beautiful.

This is Estonia, it is beautiful.

These are my feet. This is the sidewalk by Innar's apartment where I'm staying. I stopped to take a picture :)

Everyone is different, everyone is the same. I love this. I thought about editing out the dead mosquito...but it was too authentic to Estonia, I couldn't.

Tonight was so good. Lord, I love the way you speak to me in the smallest most unexpected ways and places. Hallelujah.

Be near, oh God, be near.

In Your ocean, I'm ankle deep. I feel the waves crashing on my feet. Its like I know where I need to be, but I can't figure out just how much air I will need to breathe when your tide rushes over me. There's only one way to figure out, but will You let me drown?

This is my desire, consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I'm in reach, but I am down on my knees waiting for something beautiful.

My heart hurts today. We had an amazing team meeting earlier, but when its the Lord humbles you it isn't always fun. In fact, it rarely is.

There is so much in my life and here in Estonia, in the cities where we haven't even had camps yet, at home, at school. Not to mention all that is stirring in my heart and in my spirit.

I can't do it. I really can't. And it hurts when I realize that I can't be superwoman. I try so hard to be all of these things for all of these people and the reality is: I can't be Jesus. I must be like him, let Him outpour from me, but I absolutely cannot be Him.

Its not that this is a shock, I know I can't. And trust me, every day is a constant reminder in almost every relationship and interaction I have that I'm not good enough, I don't measure up, and I never will.

But, I'm not defeated in this. I love that I'm not good enough, because thats why Jesus did what He did for me, for you. For us.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to the fountain, dip your heart in the stream of life. Let the pain and the sorrow be wiped away by the waves of His mercy, as deep cries out to deep."

Be near, oh God, be near.

With everything.

Everything within my heart is breaking right now.

"Rising of the sun, burn away my sorrow, chase away the night, and pull me to tomorrow. Fill in every part of my hear that is hollow."

Today is the first day that I really feel alone here. I know that I'm not, and I can rest in that; there is something greater holding me so that I can breathe. But my heart sure does hurt.

Satan, when will you relent? You can't have me.

Psalm 46. Be still.