Chattsworth, Georgia.

An entry from my journal this weekend:

"Alright, God. Heres what's up. I'm sitting on the edge of a mountain staring out at your glory, watching the fall leaves change. 

Lord, this is why I love fall. This is why I want to fall in love in the fall, get married in the fall, and continue to love fall. This right here.

This is image #2 that I want to take in.

I want to remember the chill fall wind, I could stay right here forever. The colors of the trees remind me of thanksgiving greeting cards I'd make in Kindergarten and Pre-K.

The steam rising off the trees from fog, or from families' fireplaces burning to keep them warm. The smell of wood and fire mixed with dew-riddled leaves. My TOMS creating a picture with complimentary colors that I wish I had my camera to take a picture of.

This is a moment that stops me and I'm reminded of just how amazing you are, God. Looking over to see Collin coming down a smoky gravel road reminds me that I'm not alone here.

At this moment, I'm alive.

I'm taking a step towards healing and I'm on my way to believing.

Even if it is only for a few short hours, I'm here in your presence and I'm awake, I'm alive to the fullness I have in you. 

I don't want to forget this. Right now, I'm content with the silence.

I can't hear you, God, but I know you're speaking. 

The silence right now is okay because I can see you - in all of this, I see you.

I don't want to forget or leave it. I don't want to forget or leave you."

"I am yours, do what you wish. I am yours, I am yours, and I know this:

whatever happens next, is in your hands, in your plans, and nothing less.

Every day there is a choice, and through the joy, through the pain, I will rejoice.

I am yours, do what you wish. I am yours, I am yours, and I know this.

Save me, cause I need it and I can't help but feel desperate.

My desires, they seem, are coming to their endings. 

And I will trust its not the end, but a new beginning."- Light by The Rocket Summer

My heart is broken over how unreal you have become to me.

Lord, I'm listening to that still small voice that sounds like a scream.

I'm running in every sense of the word in one direction.

I miss Estonia, I miss my close friends, I miss feeling adequate, and I miss being well.

Those thoughts are the main ones in my life lately, with THOSE being said, I know this:

I am my beloved's and He is mine. Hosanna in the highest. What a wonderful God.

10:42pm

Today, for the third time in my life, I saw my father cry.

I don't think there is a more heart-breaking sight than that of the strongest man you've ever known, who picked you up and carried you up the stairs as long as time and gravity would allow. The man who threatened all the boys who picked on me in school that he'd sit on them, and to this day still threatens that. The man who taught me about God, and faith, and love, and hope. The very same man who taught me how to laugh, and was strong for me when I couldn't be...

That man. I saw him cry today.

It was weird, the roles were switched for once. I picked him up, I had to try to figure out how I could be strong for him, how I could show him that same salvation and rescue that he showed and shows to me every single day. And I realized, I got nothin'

Hey Jesus, this is where you come in.

Today was a wonderful and much awaited confirmation that the Lord is in constant control of my life. He places people, conversations, and situations divinely and He opens up our eyes.

There are no limits to what He can do.

I'll be strong for my dad, I'll pray, and I'll love him back with all that I have because of the love he continues to give me and will give until there's no more left to give.

Goodness, gracious. All those "you's" that have broken, are breaking, and will break my heart, you can't touch me. 

Hosanna.

The Lord is a victorious warrior.

Just sit with that for a second.

I've been trying to just sit with a lot of truth lately, and like the dust in this house from the 1800s, these ideas get stuck in my throat. I try to cough and I still can't shake or relieve that push right in the center of my throat. The strength comes from something inside my chest, explodes into a cough....and nothing, the push is still there. Stuck.

Now is the part where I make some clever connection to how these truths get stuck in my chest and I can't do anything with them, but I'll skip all that and just say it:

These truths get stuck in my heart, in my chest, and I can't force them out no matter how I try.

Well, here's whats up: why would I want to shake truth? Duh. Truth is truth.

The Lord IS a victorious warrior. I AM loved by the great I AM. I AM beautiful.

And the hardest of all to sit with, "I am good enough."

You know, I've never believed that. Ever. Even now, when I have amazing opportunities left and right to show love and give love and learn more about the one who created love, I feel that I am not good enough, nor do I have the capacity to be.

Stuck. I hate the word, the feeling, the action of being stuck. When I used to cave a lot, I would get stuck often, and I hated it. One, because it confirmed all the other kids calling me 'Bessie the cow" and the ever-so-original, "Fatty" and two, because I was physically stuck. Stuck in a small hole in a small cave that could collapse and kill me. Rightfully so, I was scared. Now, when I feel stuck its the same feeling of literally having no power, no control, and no sense to know what to do. I assume a doctor would say something to me about Freud and how its a repressed memory and some of that I'll buy, but heres what it is: its the dust in my throat. Its the feeling that you'll never get out, that you are stuck, and you are stuck for good. Ugh, not okay. No one, ever, likes to be stuck. Small spaces I can deal with, I mean if you know me and you've seen the size of my bed you know what I mean. But being stuck, motionless, defenseless, hopeless....generally sucks. 

In all of this, there is still that truth. But the good thing about this truth that I'm stuck with, is that its legit. Its light, it opposes the dark, it claims solutions to being stuck, and provides confirmation that I am free. If I want this dust out of my throat I can walk down the stairs and out the front door to sit on my porch swing and pause to simply be present in the canvas the Lord has pained that we call home for now. The kingdom of heaven.

I'm not stuck in this truth, its stuck in me, and I am free to run around in it. 

So, thats what I'll do. I'll stand confidently, I'll walk and rest in the beauty that is the present tense because of the confidence I have in what has happened in the life of Jesus, His death and His resurrection, in order for this truth to be stuck in me and for me to be free.