Stranger in Blackbird.

An excerpt from my journal on Nov 18, 2009.

“I love random coffee house conversations, and just meeting people. Its cool when you realize two life paths colliding. I have no clue who you are, where you’ve been, or where you’re going, but for this brief moment our tracks overlap, or meet, whichever way you want to spin it. They’re similar...for five seconds, minutes, moments, hours, whatever. And then with a cough to close out the conversation...its done, and you’re back on your train. Our lives collided for a few moments, and I don’t even know your name. Maybe its better that way. To have a solely coffee shop moment. A wonderful mystery where I can give you a character, a plot, a story, and have a nice little moment of a play-life, or I could discover who you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. I could figure out who the Lord has made you to be, or if you even know the Lord. I could learn your favorite color and maybe even become so close that your future children could call me “Aunt Sam.” Or I could even fall in love with you. There’s some cheesy country song or even songs about this very idea. That every person around us not only has a story, but is significant. They matter, and this person, this “right person” for you and for your life, could be someone you pass on a train, a nearby car on the highway, on the street, and the reality is we don’t realize the significance of our own God’s beautiful creation, His children. Its not a selfish thing, moreso, than the fact that we just don’t get it. We desire for significance and we don’t realize the person next to us at Blackbird, or in class, or at Walmart, desires the same thing. So, thank you stranger, for your one kind look that sparked a two second conversation and 3-4 pages of my journal realizing that I desire significance...and so do you. The question is: do we share, care, or love enough to help each other find it? And if we do, are we going to actually do something about it? Because, the truth is stranger, as much as I want to know who you are, I probably won’t. Timing is everything, and I almost feel I’ve missed out. Well, except for the realization that this needs to change...but I’ve missed out on you, on knowing you, and who you are. But I do know this: the Lord calls you His and you are precious to Him. Maybe thats what I’m supposed to walk away with...that no matter what we do, Lord, you LOVE us and you want us. You want me to realize your love, desire, and wanting to know this stranger. The best part is, we aren’t strangers to you. You know us. Isaiah 60. You know us.

Once again, thank you, stranger.”

A week later, this stranger, this thought process, is still stuck in my mind. I’ve realized that I can’t forgive myself for things I have or haven’t done. If you’re reading this, and you talk to God, or if you never have...please talk to Him on my behalf. Pray for me. I’m learning more about grace and what it means to forgive myself.

(later that night)

Somewhere between midnight and 2:00am, my heart healed a little bit. Tonight was so good for my soul. Thank you, Jesus. Love is on the move.

Sweetly broken.

I have never in my life been so encouraged and broken at the exact same time.

Lord, you are so good. You're moving, I see it.

Continue to instill peace over this city, this town, these people, your people.

I'm choosing freedom because freedom chose me.

Sleeping at Last.

Sleeping at last has been taking over my mind lately. What graceful and beautiful words they use to express things like the meaning of life in general. So good.

I'd love to write like that one day.

Life lately is one giant catalyst for change. Things around me are changing like crazy, some beautiful, like the leaves that fall on the corner of my street just before campus. I love walking around that corner every day, when I walk I'm reminded of what you said about the sidewalk being the runway and any and every sound is the applause of adoring fans, flashes of cameras saying "you're beautiful. you're good enough." 

But, back to the idea of change...

I feel like change is constant, its always happening. Thats safe to say, I think. 

When I step around that corner, it feels like a scene in a movie where the audience sees a change happen whether it be a season, a time change, or the camera pans and the angle changes and suddenly you feel like, "hey, this person gets it, they finally get it." Get what, you ask?

They get that life is changing, constantly. In that one moment, they get life, because they are present, fully present, fully awake. 

When I turn this corner by my house, thats how I feel. I feel awake, I feel alive, I feel present.

Its like God is saying, "you're beautiful to me, you're good enough."

I think this is what I'm missing. I'm missing what it means to constantly believe that I'm good enough; for something, someone, anything, anyone.

I am good enough, the Lord speaks that over me.

That, and the right amount of sleep every night, is what I'm missing.

I want someone to speak that over me, that I'm beautiful, that I'm good enough, someone to fight for me. I'm waiting.

I'm not sure of the purpose for this tonight, but its my mind spoken into light, spoken in the presence of truth. That, I'm okay with.