3:43am

Well, here is where I am:

Love is a choice. Love is not a victory march. Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.

I'm so broken, and I need my Lord. I need my Jesus.

Love, sing to my soul. Sing to my heart.

Don't let me go.

May 16th, 2010

My Utmost for His Highest

Recognize that God does in fact provide. If we’re focused on our own self-pity, we don’t leave any room for the God of the universe to use us to love someone else.

Conviction, much?

Lately, I’ve been very selfish with my time and energy and I don’t think I like it. Yeah, God is big enough to work through my junk, my crap, and change the world despite the fact that I suck. But that doesn’t make it okay for me to be so selfish.

I’m excited to change this.

I was thinking about my mission in Estonia this summer, and I don’t like that I feel like I’ve been viewing it as an escape. I don’t want to run away to serve and then comeback to be the same as I was before.

I want to leave from a place of worship, from being a servant, to being a servant somewhere else and continue to be a servant when I come back from overseas.

So, I prayed for opportunity and to not be blind to it when it comes my way.

Literally, the next day, I met a homeless man named Rick and I just talked to him. It was funny, because I sat there and thought about talking to him, drove away, and turned around to go talk to him. I thought it was classic that it happened that way.

His name was Rick, from Seattle, who loved the Lord and wanted to read his bible more than he did.

He clearly saw society, and how distant, fake, and just mean people can be. He was broken-hearted and down in his spirits.

He had a ridiculous tan from walking up through south Florida on his way to New York. I told him it was a crazy place to which he said, “isn’t it all?”

Yes, Rick. Yes it is.

It was really beautiful if you ask me.

I’m going into this summer, with the mindset that Rick has. With a clear, open mind, a broken and humbled heart, and a desire to know people and learn more about the God that I love.

Ten days.

Once again.

Failed.

Someone once told me that I see the world the way it was meant to be seen. That I live in a way that people should encourage and appreciate...

I sure as hell hope not.

I've been in the middle of a sick painful and frustrating battle for the last six years.

And I'm beyond sick of it. I want it done. It's done. It is finished. I declare freedom and I speak this away.

Satan, when will you relent?

I'm not worthy of any of this: a loving family, friends like sisters, a boyfriend with an honest heart, a ministry with amazing high schoolers, an internship that is a tangible version of my heart.

I'm not worthy of any of it, and I can't begin to understand how God still l loves me.

I want your divine nature, I'm putting it on.

I want out of my skin, of my shell. I want out of this.

I just want to be done, and some days I don't feel strong enough. Some days I want to crawl away and erase the last day or so. Some days I make myself sick, and I just want to be done. I just want victory.

A new season

Its about freaking time.

I've been so sick of where I am and where I've felt like I've been stuck lately and I can't wait to move. I can't wait for movement, for motion.

These past few months have been some of the most discouraging months of my life. All I've wanted to do was get this season over with. I just wanted to paint whatever picture needed to be painted, and be done, then move on.

But thats not the way the Lord desires my heart to be, so the past few months were how they were for a reason: to refine me through the flame.

Who would have thought it would be so painful? To refine something, it must go through fire.

So I am.