"Feed my sheep."

This past week or so was my first camp of the entire summer.

I've never been more attacked spiritually, and now physically in my life this far.

Most of the week I felt defeated. I felt weak and weary and like I should just give up because the camp was going up in flames because of me. It wasn't until after debriefing of the american teams did I realize my team members at the other camps battled the exact same thing: the idea that they are worth it, that our God wants to use them, and that they aren't a complete failure.

Each morning at camp we had a team meeting bright and early to prepare ourselves and have a moment to breathe, and one morning, Mart presented this scripture to us:

John 21: 15-19. Jesus and Peter. I love this story. In the literal translation of the word "love" when Jesus asks peter, "Do you love me?" three times, He is asking, "Peter, do you love me UNCONDITIONALLY?" and Peter replies, "I love you conditionally." Three times. To the son of God. I love you CONDITIONALLY. Jesus' immediate response? Feed my sheep.

No hesitation. No fear. No doubt. Feed my sheep.

In that moment, Peter pretty much sucks, doesn't he? He can't even lay down his love for the God of the universe. But what happens? Jesus feels compassion for him, and declares him worthy, and commands him to feed his sheep.

Goodness, if that isn't me I don't know what is. This whole week, moment after moment left me feeling weary and weak and worthless. There were moments where God's power, as it should, surpassed my fear but immediately I'd fall into listening to a lie about my worth all over again.

One night I had a headache that I thought was literally straight from hell. I had been praying to see a penny, to see a reminder of my worth somewhere, an I looked down and saw 50 krooni on the ground. That was pretty neat.

Then I went into the back room because I felt terrible still, and Mart asked to pray for me. He didn't pray for my headache, he prayed that I would know my worth.

Thank you, Jesus for that tangible example that you hear me, and you respond.

SO many things happened this week, so many people were placed in my life that I know I'll be tied to forever and that I will see again, and all of these things, connections, ties, answered prayers, moments of God's complete and utter power were all revealed to me when I had a moment to finally breathe after camp when we were staying at the church in Jogeva.

I loved that moment, it reminded me of my own little Blackbird Coffee in Estonia. I sat on the be where I stayed with my music, coffee, journal, and bible. It was perfect and so needed. I even took a picture of it.

Here was where I had a moment to document and really look back and see the ways that God moved. Past all the frustration, past all the fear, past all the deep feeling of failure, I got to see God's power. I was reminded of some people God blessed me with. Like this girl, Sara.

She's from LA. God linked our stories in an amazing way.

And this lovely woman, Jenna Black.

It amazes me the plans God has for two people who would have never though they would ever meet.

Our God is truly powerful.

I'm back in Tartu now, sick, but beginning to feel refreshed. Tired, but encouraged. Our God is a victorious warrior.

"Don't let the small mishaps eclipse the awesome power of God." - Bethany Deskins.