Red Rag.

If you know me, or anything about my heart for my camp, you know how important the ragger program is to me.

If you don't, here's what its about.

In the 70's at a YMCA boys camp in California, there was a boy in a wheelchair. This camp gave out activity awards at the end of the week for swimming, running, sports, etc. Well, this boy in a wheelchair couldn't receive any of these awards. However, his counselor, Thomas Caldwell, noticed something in this boy that couldn't go unrecognized: his character. So, at the end of the week, he tied a blue rag around the boy's neck to represent his character, good will, positive attitude, and genuinely good personality.

So now, in YMCA camps, theres this thing called a raggers program. It's a goal setting program that you move on by getting different rags tied. You start at age 12 with a blue rag, then move on at your leisure through silver, brown, gold, red, purple, and finally, white. For each rag, you create different goals, and each rag represents different things to set goals for. You ask someone specifically to tie your rag for you, who is also a ragger, and go through different ceremonies for each rag, and it symbolically ties you to that person, because you share your goals with them and trust them to keep you accountable of them.

Since I was twelve, I've been going though this program. Its pretty neat, really. Theres a handshake, and a creed, and a symbol...its very dear to my heart and has been a large catalyst for growth in my life.

Anyway, at 21, I've finally made the decision to move onto my red rag. I asked my friend Morgan to tie it. He was a co-worker with me and had a huge impact on my summer and me as a person. The purpose of the red rag is to consider Jesus and his sacrifice for us, and to be willing to sacrifice your time and talent for Him.

Since that is the theme of this rag, I figured I'd share my goals with you; sacrifice my fear, and let you a little deeper into my heart in hopes of knowing me, and seeing Jesus in a new or different way. So, here they are: my red rag goals.

"December 18, 2011. 2:07 pm

Sitting on the dock at Christmas camp thinking of my red rag goals. I went through the ceremony and the study card and the biggest thing that has stood out to me is obedience and sacrifice.

My goals are to be obedient to the Lords will even if it's not even close to what I want. To be obedient in my time with him and to practical things on my heart. I.e- drinking. No more drunkenness.

Along with that, I need to be more willing to sacrifice things. Drinking, sleep, etc. selfish things that hinder me from truly hearing You, Lord. sacrificing comfort to stand up to people gossiping and talking badly/negatively. MONEY is the biggest thing here. I need to be better with my money so that I can be effective in other areas of my life that follow. Tithe. Tithe. Tithe. To Innar, GRACE, Kyle. Whoever.

Tithe to a body. To a church.

And finally, I want to practically start getting serious about my body. I want to climb more and pursue that greatly. I will.

"You will. I love you. I still believe in you, Sammy."

Here I am, Lord. Send me.

Not my will, but yours. I want you. All of you.

Only you.

Atreverssiamo. "

Atreverssiamo.

Its not a surprise, when I'm home, to walk downstairs and see my dad glued to the couch and the TV sucked into what we know at Saturday football...two days after Thanksgiving none the less.

This isn't a new sight for me, this is something I can come to expect when I'm home.

Its weird to think of where I was this time last year and where my heart was and where I thought I would be now. Its kind of amazing to see just how drastically different my thoughts were to where I am now. Funny, even, because it just goes to show how little control I have over my life.

I have a few really big decisions to make in the next few months about my next steps and where I'm going to end up, and this thought scares me and makes me feel useless, because I can plan all I want, but I'm going to end up where I'm going to end up no matter what I do.

All of this to say, that like a book I often reference to, I have the eyes of a refugee; ready to be out of whatever I'm in. Wanting nothing from anyone, nothing to keep for myself, except my freedom; just to get out of here.

So, Atreverssiamo. Let's cross over from here.

Choices.

This isn't what I want anymore.

and I'm going to claim that.

I don't want it.

The Lord gives us the authority to choose. I've known this all along.

Glad you know this now.

Come on, Nashville. I need you.

3:08 am

I'm going to be 100% honest. I don't like where I am right now.

I'm scared, hurting, discouraged, and feeling alone. For all the wrong reasons, and I'm turning to lies rather than the truth the Lord speaks over me.

If I can be totally vulnerable, this is exactly where I am and exactly where I'd rather not be, but this is also exactly where the Lord desires to show me that I have no limits.

I have no limits because He has no limits.

I feel fear and pain, but it is not mine.

I know discouragement, but this is not truth.

My identity rests in the Lord and his word.

He is not far, I am not above Him, and he is not a cosmic cop out to get me.

He is my father, and I am blessed to be considered by a God so perfect.

Am I happy with where I am? No. Do I wish I could go back a few months and prepare myself for all of this? Yes. Do I wish I could rewind time? Yes.

But I can't, and the Lord has a purpose. I am being prepared, and He misses me, He misses my heart and I miss Him back.

These are the things I think about at 3:13 am on a Tuesday when I should be sleeping:

Where am I supposed to be?

How far off from it am I?

How could I ever forget a God so loving?

How could a God so good love me?

I see my identity and I'm not living in it.

This is changing and I have the authority to claim this.

Leehhgo.

Fall, 2011.

It isn't fall yet, but my wardrobe is rebelling. Jeans, boots, flannel. I'm doing it.

I'm sick of wishing for something.

Don't get me wrong, dreaming and hoping is a beautiful thing, but I'm always anxious for what's coming around the corner. A friend recently said to me, "the things that are in your way, need to get out of your way in order for you to reach where you're headed."

And this is so true, except for the fact that some of the things in your way you need to get out of the way, hurt to get rid of.

I'm also really sick of saying so often, "its been too long since I've written anything." However, I am really excited to say that I am finally writing the book I said I would.

But here is where my heart is:

Lately, my heart has felt a little somber. I've felt odd or off, in the slightest bit. I talked to an old friend on the phone for 20 or so minutes earlier, and I missed it. I miss real conversations with real friends. I miss my Nashville boys, and my closest girl friends who are scattered throughout the southeast and soon to be across the country. I miss people who aren't so consumed with themselves, but their God. I miss people who know who they are. Grounded. I miss Estonia, and Johanna, and I hate that I can't go back any time soon.

I feel like I've been in a weird place this past year until this summer, of not growing but not stuck either. Moving slowly through time and just being. But not the good kind of being. Part of me wishes I had found a job in Nashville for the summer out of nowhere, roomed with a stranger, worked, and lived. You know, had an adventure or two.

I want an adventure, and Milledgeville just isn't doing it for me. I guess four or so years in one...very small place can do that to you. I want to live somewhere new. I want to live in Tennessee.

I had a thought driving home the other day that I wouldn't hate living in Atlanta, but then I thought about it and realized that yeah, I actually would hate it.

I want to look life in the face and say, "come on, kid! Hit me with your best shot." (enter 80's song). "Is that all you got? I can take it."

I want a mountain to climb with a valley to stare down into after. I want a trail, going God knows where, and something beautiful and breathtaking at the end like a waterfall.

I want a climb a tree-scrape my knee-but I don't care because the tree house I made is awesome-kind of adventure. For the rest of my life.

But for now, I have school, and Milledgeville, and a lot of not-so-fun things to face.

Milledgeville is the kind of guy you keep running back to saying, "fine, I'll stay. But next time, I'm gone..." and then you never leave. For me, lately, its the kind of suffocating relationship that makes you forget everything you said you would do, like write a book, a song, a poem. Like travel, follow a band across the country, or climb parts of the AT, if not the whole thing. And slowly, you watch all these things go away as you build up a resentment for that relationship holding you down.

For me, lately, Milledgeville is the overbearing spouse in a marriage I wasn't ready for. I love it, but its bittersweet, because I married Milledgeville for love...but I did before I chased my dreams. I left my passions and married because it was comfortable and it worked.

I should have taken time off before I started school.

In reality, I'm not tied down. I'm 21. I have the world at my fingertips, along with the power of God and His spirit in me. So all this mess, this weight, is something I'm claiming over myself that isn't true. So, I'm done claiming it. This is me, letting go.

For now, I have a grad school application to fill out, apartments to look at in Tennessee, and the hope and expectation for the Fall.

Ma olen valmis.

Restless

I absolutely hate when I can't sleep. Because then I think.

I don't hate thinking so much as I hate who I think myself into.

Lord, save me from myself. From man.

I need you and you alone.

Vivira, Respira.

Live and breathe. Lately, I feel thats all I have the capability and strength to do.

Sometimes I really like to just sit and reflect on my life and who I was, am, and want to be. Today, I read through my old blog posts when I was in Estonia, and my heart broke a little bit.

A while ago I wrote that I've lost myself, or rather that myself has lost me, and that was and is true.

But thanks to a boy who loves me greater than I can ever imagine, it hit me like a train that I've been trying with everything I have to stop in its tracks. Bam. Mowed over without even a wince at the mess left behind.

Someone told me recently that they missed my smile. I used to smile all the time, didn't I? Wasn't I the girl everyone claimed as open and loving and accepting? Why am I angry and insecure and a lot more frustrated than normal, or ever? I don't have a root or a time where this happened or began, but I know where I am now and what its done to me.

My heart is calloused. Its grown cold and hard and I want it to break. I've wanted it to break for a while, and the other night in the midst of my getting plowed over by a metaphorical train, it did. Right there on the tracks, broken, shattered, and seemingly irreplaceable. For a while I felt like I'd never get it back.

If you know me, you know I have a thing for pennies. Its how the Lord tells me he loves me and that I'm worth something. A penny straight up fell in my lap the other day....and there was a penny in the drain in my kitchen sink today when I was cleaning dishes. In the freaking sink.

Okay, God.....I get it.

The heart, the me that I thought was gone and lost and completely unable to be redeemed, was on the cross and is now in my life today.

Hallelujah I can breathe again.

Vivira, respira.

Live, breathe.

I will.

Such great hights in Blackbird.

I've been writing the wrong date all day. Dang it. I hate when I do that.

Doesn't shock me, though. I've always lived in the future, but lately I've been living a little behind.

I want to be sixteen again, in my old body, in Estonia, with the heart I have now.

Wouldn't it be nice? Cue the Beach Boys.

But I don't have a fairy godmother, and Dreamworks didn't produce my life.

So, instead I have Blackbird Coffee and Iron&Wine. Instead, I go to antiques shops, buy things, and act like I live the in the 1800s.

I bought a ring at Antebellum's Attic today downtown. I guess to remind myself that I'm an old soul. Maybe to make myself feel timeless, like an old black and white.

When I put it on, I could almost feel my long 20s hair style fall down by my ears in soft curls. Only to note in a nearby mirror, that my hair is in fact up in the same old bun, the same old washed and tossed up look I've been rocking for the later half of 2010 when I began to genuinely not enjoy myself, tossed up my arms in surrender, and my hair went with them into my trademark bun.

I'd also like to note that I was dressed in what I've heard called "The Sam Cole"...an oversized grey sweater, skinny jeans, flats, and earrings if I'm feelin' frisky.

I used to be told I have an old soul, that I was timeless. Now I just feel old and out of time; out of step and out of sync.

As if every 20-year-old doesn't have a "who am I" or "have I lost myself" phase.

I guess my time is now.

There is a difference in timeless, and just boring. Constant.

I think I'm straddling the line a little bit.

I've lost who I am in frustration. In competition. In care, paranoia, anxiousness, fear, loathing, and just plain crap, for lack of eloquent speech.

I know how every movie tells me to go "find myself," and every bad break up someone has to go off to some odd country and "find themselves."

But I don't feel like I've lost myself, I feel like it left me.

Like myself abandoned me.

I'd like for myself to find its way back to me.

I can see the flyers now:

"If found or see, please contact.

Love, a concerned shell."

Could I be more dramatic? Probably.

Until I am found, I'll look at my ring and remind myself of my identity, who I am, cling to my God who calls me by name, and wait patiently for the day me finds me.

I miss you.

It's been so long.

Too long. My heart is broken over that.