Choices.

This isn't what I want anymore.

and I'm going to claim that.

I don't want it.

The Lord gives us the authority to choose. I've known this all along.

Glad you know this now.

Come on, Nashville. I need you.

3:08 am

I'm going to be 100% honest. I don't like where I am right now.

I'm scared, hurting, discouraged, and feeling alone. For all the wrong reasons, and I'm turning to lies rather than the truth the Lord speaks over me.

If I can be totally vulnerable, this is exactly where I am and exactly where I'd rather not be, but this is also exactly where the Lord desires to show me that I have no limits.

I have no limits because He has no limits.

I feel fear and pain, but it is not mine.

I know discouragement, but this is not truth.

My identity rests in the Lord and his word.

He is not far, I am not above Him, and he is not a cosmic cop out to get me.

He is my father, and I am blessed to be considered by a God so perfect.

Am I happy with where I am? No. Do I wish I could go back a few months and prepare myself for all of this? Yes. Do I wish I could rewind time? Yes.

But I can't, and the Lord has a purpose. I am being prepared, and He misses me, He misses my heart and I miss Him back.

These are the things I think about at 3:13 am on a Tuesday when I should be sleeping:

Where am I supposed to be?

How far off from it am I?

How could I ever forget a God so loving?

How could a God so good love me?

I see my identity and I'm not living in it.

This is changing and I have the authority to claim this.

Leehhgo.

Fall, 2011.

It isn't fall yet, but my wardrobe is rebelling. Jeans, boots, flannel. I'm doing it.

I'm sick of wishing for something.

Don't get me wrong, dreaming and hoping is a beautiful thing, but I'm always anxious for what's coming around the corner. A friend recently said to me, "the things that are in your way, need to get out of your way in order for you to reach where you're headed."

And this is so true, except for the fact that some of the things in your way you need to get out of the way, hurt to get rid of.

I'm also really sick of saying so often, "its been too long since I've written anything." However, I am really excited to say that I am finally writing the book I said I would.

But here is where my heart is:

Lately, my heart has felt a little somber. I've felt odd or off, in the slightest bit. I talked to an old friend on the phone for 20 or so minutes earlier, and I missed it. I miss real conversations with real friends. I miss my Nashville boys, and my closest girl friends who are scattered throughout the southeast and soon to be across the country. I miss people who aren't so consumed with themselves, but their God. I miss people who know who they are. Grounded. I miss Estonia, and Johanna, and I hate that I can't go back any time soon.

I feel like I've been in a weird place this past year until this summer, of not growing but not stuck either. Moving slowly through time and just being. But not the good kind of being. Part of me wishes I had found a job in Nashville for the summer out of nowhere, roomed with a stranger, worked, and lived. You know, had an adventure or two.

I want an adventure, and Milledgeville just isn't doing it for me. I guess four or so years in one...very small place can do that to you. I want to live somewhere new. I want to live in Tennessee.

I had a thought driving home the other day that I wouldn't hate living in Atlanta, but then I thought about it and realized that yeah, I actually would hate it.

I want to look life in the face and say, "come on, kid! Hit me with your best shot." (enter 80's song). "Is that all you got? I can take it."

I want a mountain to climb with a valley to stare down into after. I want a trail, going God knows where, and something beautiful and breathtaking at the end like a waterfall.

I want a climb a tree-scrape my knee-but I don't care because the tree house I made is awesome-kind of adventure. For the rest of my life.

But for now, I have school, and Milledgeville, and a lot of not-so-fun things to face.

Milledgeville is the kind of guy you keep running back to saying, "fine, I'll stay. But next time, I'm gone..." and then you never leave. For me, lately, its the kind of suffocating relationship that makes you forget everything you said you would do, like write a book, a song, a poem. Like travel, follow a band across the country, or climb parts of the AT, if not the whole thing. And slowly, you watch all these things go away as you build up a resentment for that relationship holding you down.

For me, lately, Milledgeville is the overbearing spouse in a marriage I wasn't ready for. I love it, but its bittersweet, because I married Milledgeville for love...but I did before I chased my dreams. I left my passions and married because it was comfortable and it worked.

I should have taken time off before I started school.

In reality, I'm not tied down. I'm 21. I have the world at my fingertips, along with the power of God and His spirit in me. So all this mess, this weight, is something I'm claiming over myself that isn't true. So, I'm done claiming it. This is me, letting go.

For now, I have a grad school application to fill out, apartments to look at in Tennessee, and the hope and expectation for the Fall.

Ma olen valmis.