Any possible title for this is just too cheesy.

Sometimes I think I avoid writing because I'm not happy with where I am. Its like I don't want to be able to look back and say, "damn that was a tough time."

Why are we so afraid of this? Why are we so afraid to look back and remember defeat?

It's the reason I do this, it's the reason I journal: to document. To be able to keep myself accountable and keep myself in check. So I can look back years from now at this time and if I'm in the same place, I can take it as encouragement that I've probably forgotten, and move on.

Take a step forward.

So, let's be honest. I haven't been in the best place this past year. I've had my moments, and I don't feel defeated about it. But this has been a tough year.

College has been a tough few years really. A lot of weight, a lot of feeling defeated, feeling rejected, judged, and pushed away.

But, the past few years have also been combatted with feelings of love, affirmation, encouragement, and confidence in who I am.

Right now, sitting in a place thats been my home and my refuge for the past four years, I'm reminded of all those moments spent in this exact place, writing on this stupid blog, documenting moments, and coming to blessed realizations that love wins, and that my God is greater than any love or pain I will ever feel.

Goodness, I am so unbelievably thankful for that.

I am so thankful for the heartbreak, the love, the pain, the loss, and the gaining of anything and everything.

I guess I'm getting a bit nostalgic. I am graduating in two months, things are coming to an end, relationships are ending...and really ending fast and hard.

I am definitely going to miss this place and the context it carries. But does it make me awful to say how unbelievably ready I am to leave?

As much as I have loved this community, too much time in one small place brings judgement, criticism (and not a good kind), and discrimination coupled with disrespect. It just happens. It's not just Milledgeville and my community here. This happens in every group, small or large, and in ever community or family that exists.

It is 100% inevitable.

and its also 100% possible to be handled.

People just don't. We ignore it and say, "this isn't how it should be."

And we hold onto that statement, hoping it will just happen.

Here is the conclusion I've come to about love and loving people in a family, community, or any relational setting: it does not just happen. Love is a complete choice. And we have to choose it.

But so often we don't.

So, I guess what I'm saying in all of this jumbled around crap is this:

-I need to not be afraid to document the parts of my life where I'm not as happy with how things are.

-I'm so ready for a change and to be somewhere my heart has wanted to be for years, but I want to be present and choose to love being here while I'm actually here.

-Love is a choice, we must choose it.

Atreverssiamo.

Red Rag.

If you know me, or anything about my heart for my camp, you know how important the ragger program is to me.

If you don't, here's what its about.

In the 70's at a YMCA boys camp in California, there was a boy in a wheelchair. This camp gave out activity awards at the end of the week for swimming, running, sports, etc. Well, this boy in a wheelchair couldn't receive any of these awards. However, his counselor, Thomas Caldwell, noticed something in this boy that couldn't go unrecognized: his character. So, at the end of the week, he tied a blue rag around the boy's neck to represent his character, good will, positive attitude, and genuinely good personality.

So now, in YMCA camps, theres this thing called a raggers program. It's a goal setting program that you move on by getting different rags tied. You start at age 12 with a blue rag, then move on at your leisure through silver, brown, gold, red, purple, and finally, white. For each rag, you create different goals, and each rag represents different things to set goals for. You ask someone specifically to tie your rag for you, who is also a ragger, and go through different ceremonies for each rag, and it symbolically ties you to that person, because you share your goals with them and trust them to keep you accountable of them.

Since I was twelve, I've been going though this program. Its pretty neat, really. Theres a handshake, and a creed, and a symbol...its very dear to my heart and has been a large catalyst for growth in my life.

Anyway, at 21, I've finally made the decision to move onto my red rag. I asked my friend Morgan to tie it. He was a co-worker with me and had a huge impact on my summer and me as a person. The purpose of the red rag is to consider Jesus and his sacrifice for us, and to be willing to sacrifice your time and talent for Him.

Since that is the theme of this rag, I figured I'd share my goals with you; sacrifice my fear, and let you a little deeper into my heart in hopes of knowing me, and seeing Jesus in a new or different way. So, here they are: my red rag goals.

"December 18, 2011. 2:07 pm

Sitting on the dock at Christmas camp thinking of my red rag goals. I went through the ceremony and the study card and the biggest thing that has stood out to me is obedience and sacrifice.

My goals are to be obedient to the Lords will even if it's not even close to what I want. To be obedient in my time with him and to practical things on my heart. I.e- drinking. No more drunkenness.

Along with that, I need to be more willing to sacrifice things. Drinking, sleep, etc. selfish things that hinder me from truly hearing You, Lord. sacrificing comfort to stand up to people gossiping and talking badly/negatively. MONEY is the biggest thing here. I need to be better with my money so that I can be effective in other areas of my life that follow. Tithe. Tithe. Tithe. To Innar, GRACE, Kyle. Whoever.

Tithe to a body. To a church.

And finally, I want to practically start getting serious about my body. I want to climb more and pursue that greatly. I will.

"You will. I love you. I still believe in you, Sammy."

Here I am, Lord. Send me.

Not my will, but yours. I want you. All of you.

Only you.

Atreverssiamo. "

Atreverssiamo.

Its not a surprise, when I'm home, to walk downstairs and see my dad glued to the couch and the TV sucked into what we know at Saturday football...two days after Thanksgiving none the less.

This isn't a new sight for me, this is something I can come to expect when I'm home.

Its weird to think of where I was this time last year and where my heart was and where I thought I would be now. Its kind of amazing to see just how drastically different my thoughts were to where I am now. Funny, even, because it just goes to show how little control I have over my life.

I have a few really big decisions to make in the next few months about my next steps and where I'm going to end up, and this thought scares me and makes me feel useless, because I can plan all I want, but I'm going to end up where I'm going to end up no matter what I do.

All of this to say, that like a book I often reference to, I have the eyes of a refugee; ready to be out of whatever I'm in. Wanting nothing from anyone, nothing to keep for myself, except my freedom; just to get out of here.

So, Atreverssiamo. Let's cross over from here.

Choices.

This isn't what I want anymore.

and I'm going to claim that.

I don't want it.

The Lord gives us the authority to choose. I've known this all along.

Glad you know this now.

Come on, Nashville. I need you.

3:08 am

I'm going to be 100% honest. I don't like where I am right now.

I'm scared, hurting, discouraged, and feeling alone. For all the wrong reasons, and I'm turning to lies rather than the truth the Lord speaks over me.

If I can be totally vulnerable, this is exactly where I am and exactly where I'd rather not be, but this is also exactly where the Lord desires to show me that I have no limits.

I have no limits because He has no limits.

I feel fear and pain, but it is not mine.

I know discouragement, but this is not truth.

My identity rests in the Lord and his word.

He is not far, I am not above Him, and he is not a cosmic cop out to get me.

He is my father, and I am blessed to be considered by a God so perfect.

Am I happy with where I am? No. Do I wish I could go back a few months and prepare myself for all of this? Yes. Do I wish I could rewind time? Yes.

But I can't, and the Lord has a purpose. I am being prepared, and He misses me, He misses my heart and I miss Him back.

These are the things I think about at 3:13 am on a Tuesday when I should be sleeping:

Where am I supposed to be?

How far off from it am I?

How could I ever forget a God so loving?

How could a God so good love me?

I see my identity and I'm not living in it.

This is changing and I have the authority to claim this.

Leehhgo.

Fall, 2011.

It isn't fall yet, but my wardrobe is rebelling. Jeans, boots, flannel. I'm doing it.

I'm sick of wishing for something.

Don't get me wrong, dreaming and hoping is a beautiful thing, but I'm always anxious for what's coming around the corner. A friend recently said to me, "the things that are in your way, need to get out of your way in order for you to reach where you're headed."

And this is so true, except for the fact that some of the things in your way you need to get out of the way, hurt to get rid of.

I'm also really sick of saying so often, "its been too long since I've written anything." However, I am really excited to say that I am finally writing the book I said I would.

But here is where my heart is:

Lately, my heart has felt a little somber. I've felt odd or off, in the slightest bit. I talked to an old friend on the phone for 20 or so minutes earlier, and I missed it. I miss real conversations with real friends. I miss my Nashville boys, and my closest girl friends who are scattered throughout the southeast and soon to be across the country. I miss people who aren't so consumed with themselves, but their God. I miss people who know who they are. Grounded. I miss Estonia, and Johanna, and I hate that I can't go back any time soon.

I feel like I've been in a weird place this past year until this summer, of not growing but not stuck either. Moving slowly through time and just being. But not the good kind of being. Part of me wishes I had found a job in Nashville for the summer out of nowhere, roomed with a stranger, worked, and lived. You know, had an adventure or two.

I want an adventure, and Milledgeville just isn't doing it for me. I guess four or so years in one...very small place can do that to you. I want to live somewhere new. I want to live in Tennessee.

I had a thought driving home the other day that I wouldn't hate living in Atlanta, but then I thought about it and realized that yeah, I actually would hate it.

I want to look life in the face and say, "come on, kid! Hit me with your best shot." (enter 80's song). "Is that all you got? I can take it."

I want a mountain to climb with a valley to stare down into after. I want a trail, going God knows where, and something beautiful and breathtaking at the end like a waterfall.

I want a climb a tree-scrape my knee-but I don't care because the tree house I made is awesome-kind of adventure. For the rest of my life.

But for now, I have school, and Milledgeville, and a lot of not-so-fun things to face.

Milledgeville is the kind of guy you keep running back to saying, "fine, I'll stay. But next time, I'm gone..." and then you never leave. For me, lately, its the kind of suffocating relationship that makes you forget everything you said you would do, like write a book, a song, a poem. Like travel, follow a band across the country, or climb parts of the AT, if not the whole thing. And slowly, you watch all these things go away as you build up a resentment for that relationship holding you down.

For me, lately, Milledgeville is the overbearing spouse in a marriage I wasn't ready for. I love it, but its bittersweet, because I married Milledgeville for love...but I did before I chased my dreams. I left my passions and married because it was comfortable and it worked.

I should have taken time off before I started school.

In reality, I'm not tied down. I'm 21. I have the world at my fingertips, along with the power of God and His spirit in me. So all this mess, this weight, is something I'm claiming over myself that isn't true. So, I'm done claiming it. This is me, letting go.

For now, I have a grad school application to fill out, apartments to look at in Tennessee, and the hope and expectation for the Fall.

Ma olen valmis.

Restless

I absolutely hate when I can't sleep. Because then I think.

I don't hate thinking so much as I hate who I think myself into.

Lord, save me from myself. From man.

I need you and you alone.