Oh hey, 6:00am...part 2.

Everything previously written: deleted.

Heres where I am: I'm sick of insincerity. Ridiculously sick of it, and I am so blessed my life has the beautiful beams of authenticity that it does.

I have some thoughts on some friendships and honestly, I'm through playing mediator. I'd rather lay them down.

I'm encouraged. Passion is soon, and I'm excited to see some Estonians, to learn about the Lord, to be in a place where so many hearts are consumed by lights and fashion. Its all very humbling, which by the way, humility is a choice. So is love.

Thanks again, 6:00am, I needed this.

I am so sick of things in my life going full circle.

I'm sick of falling into patter after pattern of my own selfishness and my own sin.

Lord, sustain me. Fight with me.

My heart is weak and my spirit fails, but you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Do away with the evil in me, blow through it and trade my ashes for beauty.

I'm starting to realize again, like I have many times before, that I cannot do this alone.

I'm praying for strength, I'm praying for trust, I'm praying for grace and mercy.

I'm just praying.

And fighting.

And running.

And receiving.

And living.

Amen.

Redeemed.

You are slowly erasing every past scar and filling my heart with renewed encouragement.

Where have you been?

Thank you. Praise, YOU.

My heart is oh so encouraged, and my soul is loving City & Colour and Bradley Hathaway lately.

Move.

I want to be a writer. I want to be a musician.

I want to be a mother, a teacher, a professor, a photographer, a missionary.

I want to be a lot of things. Most if not all, aren't very possible for me.

The biggest thing for me, is what do I pursue now?

I feel a bit stuck, a little upset, and a lot confused because I have no idea why I feel either.

So, I'm going to drive. I'm going to run errands, keep busy.

I'm going to sing, and I'm going to pray, and maybe go to a tacky christmas sweater party and dance...

But, most importantly, I'm going to be real. And out of that authenticity...I'll move.

That is where movement is in my life. Love, authenticity, experience, example. Faith.

I'm ready to move.

Stranger in Blackbird.

An excerpt from my journal on Nov 18, 2009.

“I love random coffee house conversations, and just meeting people. Its cool when you realize two life paths colliding. I have no clue who you are, where you’ve been, or where you’re going, but for this brief moment our tracks overlap, or meet, whichever way you want to spin it. They’re similar...for five seconds, minutes, moments, hours, whatever. And then with a cough to close out the conversation...its done, and you’re back on your train. Our lives collided for a few moments, and I don’t even know your name. Maybe its better that way. To have a solely coffee shop moment. A wonderful mystery where I can give you a character, a plot, a story, and have a nice little moment of a play-life, or I could discover who you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. I could figure out who the Lord has made you to be, or if you even know the Lord. I could learn your favorite color and maybe even become so close that your future children could call me “Aunt Sam.” Or I could even fall in love with you. There’s some cheesy country song or even songs about this very idea. That every person around us not only has a story, but is significant. They matter, and this person, this “right person” for you and for your life, could be someone you pass on a train, a nearby car on the highway, on the street, and the reality is we don’t realize the significance of our own God’s beautiful creation, His children. Its not a selfish thing, moreso, than the fact that we just don’t get it. We desire for significance and we don’t realize the person next to us at Blackbird, or in class, or at Walmart, desires the same thing. So, thank you stranger, for your one kind look that sparked a two second conversation and 3-4 pages of my journal realizing that I desire significance...and so do you. The question is: do we share, care, or love enough to help each other find it? And if we do, are we going to actually do something about it? Because, the truth is stranger, as much as I want to know who you are, I probably won’t. Timing is everything, and I almost feel I’ve missed out. Well, except for the realization that this needs to change...but I’ve missed out on you, on knowing you, and who you are. But I do know this: the Lord calls you His and you are precious to Him. Maybe thats what I’m supposed to walk away with...that no matter what we do, Lord, you LOVE us and you want us. You want me to realize your love, desire, and wanting to know this stranger. The best part is, we aren’t strangers to you. You know us. Isaiah 60. You know us.

Once again, thank you, stranger.”

A week later, this stranger, this thought process, is still stuck in my mind. I’ve realized that I can’t forgive myself for things I have or haven’t done. If you’re reading this, and you talk to God, or if you never have...please talk to Him on my behalf. Pray for me. I’m learning more about grace and what it means to forgive myself.

(later that night)

Somewhere between midnight and 2:00am, my heart healed a little bit. Tonight was so good for my soul. Thank you, Jesus. Love is on the move.

Sweetly broken.

I have never in my life been so encouraged and broken at the exact same time.

Lord, you are so good. You're moving, I see it.

Continue to instill peace over this city, this town, these people, your people.

I'm choosing freedom because freedom chose me.

Sleeping at Last.

Sleeping at last has been taking over my mind lately. What graceful and beautiful words they use to express things like the meaning of life in general. So good.

I'd love to write like that one day.

Life lately is one giant catalyst for change. Things around me are changing like crazy, some beautiful, like the leaves that fall on the corner of my street just before campus. I love walking around that corner every day, when I walk I'm reminded of what you said about the sidewalk being the runway and any and every sound is the applause of adoring fans, flashes of cameras saying "you're beautiful. you're good enough." 

But, back to the idea of change...

I feel like change is constant, its always happening. Thats safe to say, I think. 

When I step around that corner, it feels like a scene in a movie where the audience sees a change happen whether it be a season, a time change, or the camera pans and the angle changes and suddenly you feel like, "hey, this person gets it, they finally get it." Get what, you ask?

They get that life is changing, constantly. In that one moment, they get life, because they are present, fully present, fully awake. 

When I turn this corner by my house, thats how I feel. I feel awake, I feel alive, I feel present.

Its like God is saying, "you're beautiful to me, you're good enough."

I think this is what I'm missing. I'm missing what it means to constantly believe that I'm good enough; for something, someone, anything, anyone.

I am good enough, the Lord speaks that over me.

That, and the right amount of sleep every night, is what I'm missing.

I want someone to speak that over me, that I'm beautiful, that I'm good enough, someone to fight for me. I'm waiting.

I'm not sure of the purpose for this tonight, but its my mind spoken into light, spoken in the presence of truth. That, I'm okay with.

Chattsworth, Georgia.

An entry from my journal this weekend:

"Alright, God. Heres what's up. I'm sitting on the edge of a mountain staring out at your glory, watching the fall leaves change. 

Lord, this is why I love fall. This is why I want to fall in love in the fall, get married in the fall, and continue to love fall. This right here.

This is image #2 that I want to take in.

I want to remember the chill fall wind, I could stay right here forever. The colors of the trees remind me of thanksgiving greeting cards I'd make in Kindergarten and Pre-K.

The steam rising off the trees from fog, or from families' fireplaces burning to keep them warm. The smell of wood and fire mixed with dew-riddled leaves. My TOMS creating a picture with complimentary colors that I wish I had my camera to take a picture of.

This is a moment that stops me and I'm reminded of just how amazing you are, God. Looking over to see Collin coming down a smoky gravel road reminds me that I'm not alone here.

At this moment, I'm alive.

I'm taking a step towards healing and I'm on my way to believing.

Even if it is only for a few short hours, I'm here in your presence and I'm awake, I'm alive to the fullness I have in you. 

I don't want to forget this. Right now, I'm content with the silence.

I can't hear you, God, but I know you're speaking. 

The silence right now is okay because I can see you - in all of this, I see you.

I don't want to forget or leave it. I don't want to forget or leave you."

"I am yours, do what you wish. I am yours, I am yours, and I know this:

whatever happens next, is in your hands, in your plans, and nothing less.

Every day there is a choice, and through the joy, through the pain, I will rejoice.

I am yours, do what you wish. I am yours, I am yours, and I know this.

Save me, cause I need it and I can't help but feel desperate.

My desires, they seem, are coming to their endings. 

And I will trust its not the end, but a new beginning."- Light by The Rocket Summer

My heart is broken over how unreal you have become to me.

Lord, I'm listening to that still small voice that sounds like a scream.

I'm running in every sense of the word in one direction.

I miss Estonia, I miss my close friends, I miss feeling adequate, and I miss being well.

Those thoughts are the main ones in my life lately, with THOSE being said, I know this:

I am my beloved's and He is mine. Hosanna in the highest. What a wonderful God.

10:42pm

Today, for the third time in my life, I saw my father cry.

I don't think there is a more heart-breaking sight than that of the strongest man you've ever known, who picked you up and carried you up the stairs as long as time and gravity would allow. The man who threatened all the boys who picked on me in school that he'd sit on them, and to this day still threatens that. The man who taught me about God, and faith, and love, and hope. The very same man who taught me how to laugh, and was strong for me when I couldn't be...

That man. I saw him cry today.

It was weird, the roles were switched for once. I picked him up, I had to try to figure out how I could be strong for him, how I could show him that same salvation and rescue that he showed and shows to me every single day. And I realized, I got nothin'

Hey Jesus, this is where you come in.

Today was a wonderful and much awaited confirmation that the Lord is in constant control of my life. He places people, conversations, and situations divinely and He opens up our eyes.

There are no limits to what He can do.

I'll be strong for my dad, I'll pray, and I'll love him back with all that I have because of the love he continues to give me and will give until there's no more left to give.

Goodness, gracious. All those "you's" that have broken, are breaking, and will break my heart, you can't touch me. 

Hosanna.

The Lord is a victorious warrior.

Just sit with that for a second.

I've been trying to just sit with a lot of truth lately, and like the dust in this house from the 1800s, these ideas get stuck in my throat. I try to cough and I still can't shake or relieve that push right in the center of my throat. The strength comes from something inside my chest, explodes into a cough....and nothing, the push is still there. Stuck.

Now is the part where I make some clever connection to how these truths get stuck in my chest and I can't do anything with them, but I'll skip all that and just say it:

These truths get stuck in my heart, in my chest, and I can't force them out no matter how I try.

Well, here's whats up: why would I want to shake truth? Duh. Truth is truth.

The Lord IS a victorious warrior. I AM loved by the great I AM. I AM beautiful.

And the hardest of all to sit with, "I am good enough."

You know, I've never believed that. Ever. Even now, when I have amazing opportunities left and right to show love and give love and learn more about the one who created love, I feel that I am not good enough, nor do I have the capacity to be.

Stuck. I hate the word, the feeling, the action of being stuck. When I used to cave a lot, I would get stuck often, and I hated it. One, because it confirmed all the other kids calling me 'Bessie the cow" and the ever-so-original, "Fatty" and two, because I was physically stuck. Stuck in a small hole in a small cave that could collapse and kill me. Rightfully so, I was scared. Now, when I feel stuck its the same feeling of literally having no power, no control, and no sense to know what to do. I assume a doctor would say something to me about Freud and how its a repressed memory and some of that I'll buy, but heres what it is: its the dust in my throat. Its the feeling that you'll never get out, that you are stuck, and you are stuck for good. Ugh, not okay. No one, ever, likes to be stuck. Small spaces I can deal with, I mean if you know me and you've seen the size of my bed you know what I mean. But being stuck, motionless, defenseless, hopeless....generally sucks. 

In all of this, there is still that truth. But the good thing about this truth that I'm stuck with, is that its legit. Its light, it opposes the dark, it claims solutions to being stuck, and provides confirmation that I am free. If I want this dust out of my throat I can walk down the stairs and out the front door to sit on my porch swing and pause to simply be present in the canvas the Lord has pained that we call home for now. The kingdom of heaven.

I'm not stuck in this truth, its stuck in me, and I am free to run around in it. 

So, thats what I'll do. I'll stand confidently, I'll walk and rest in the beauty that is the present tense because of the confidence I have in what has happened in the life of Jesus, His death and His resurrection, in order for this truth to be stuck in me and for me to be free.

Just lie down, take a load off.

I started this post with the most emo sentence ever, laughed about it, and deleted it.

Oh man, was it a good one.

My heart took off today. I absolutely LOVE fall, and today is the first day I've felt it in a while. You know what that means! Time for photos! 

I'm going to get a bunch of scenery shots this season, and I'm going to start on that portrait portfolio I've been wanting to do since March.

I'm falling in love with The Lord, with fall, and with this feeling.

I like this, yes I do.

Butterflies

There's always been a constant theme of butterflies in my life.

Well, now they're in my stomach.

I missed this.

Fall, hurry up, can't wait to be captivated by the love that you have in store.

Time for a new season.

Reminiscent

I'm sitting in a place that I haven't been to in over a year, trying to remember where I was this time a year ago. What I was feeling, who I was beginning to become, and then looking at now.  It amazes me what time, and the power of God, can do.

I love Auburn. For so long I was dead set on going to school here, I wanted to football, the community, the people, the art. But the Lord called my heart somewhere different, and I am so glad that He did. 

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I was wide awake thinking about this time last year, and my mind was bouncing all over the place and all of the sudden this feeling of clarity came over me.

I realized that who I am isn't defined by where I was or where I've been, or even where I'm going...but I am defined by WHO'S I am.

It was a comfort and a fear all at once. 

One of the biggest insecurities that I have struggled with in the past is being single. I laughed when I realized that I am as single as single gets, and instead of it pounding at the insecurities of my heart, I felt free. It was a freeing realization to know that I am so sick of relationships. it was a new feeling, thats for sure, but I love it.

Come on now guys, this is no diss to you. I have met and even dated some of the most wonderful men of God  I could even imagine. Some of you have shown me an illumination of love that serves as an encouragement for when and if I ever meet my husband. My image of a godly man has been shattered and re-build constantly, and the Lord works through every situation.

But I am fed up, and loving it.

That is my thought today, and my heart in this season.

ps- I love fall and can't WAIT for it to fully be here.

God has spoken...

...the rest is commentary, right?

-Rob Bell.

I picked up Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell right where I left off, and its no coincidence that I picked up in the middle of a chapter that happened to be speaking on the topic of discernment. Nope, God did that.

Sheesh, I love it.

So, the bible is more than just cool stories of miracles and things happening totally moved by the spirit. Its truth, that helps us to know what is light and what is dark. What the Lord speaks and what He doesn't. The thing that I've seen so often lately in my faith, my walk as a Christian, I've noticed that I tend to float around in the spirit of all the cool things I see God doing and the miracles I see every day; from the simple fact that I'm still breathing to people giving their lives up to Christ. Often, I'll forget what it means to be anchored. So, when I start to float around, after a while I begin to feel fake, like I' m acting, and that scares me because I'm damn good at it. I've been praying for the Lord to make me feel again instead of being numb, to give me an extreme emotion whatever that emotion may be, and for the knowledge and wisdom to discern; to know light from dark.

Well, lucky me, and lucky us, thats what the bible does :) Along with it working at a double edged sword, and a mirror (James 1), it is how we discern light from dark. What the Lord speaks and what he doesn't. After all, "God has spoken, the rest is commentary, right?"

Right. Although I am a christian and I pray for the Lord to guide me with His voice and the choice to walk in truth, it does not in any way mean that every thing I do and say is truth. I strive for that, but I am not perfect. 

Its important as HECK for you, for me, as a believer or a non-believer in Christ to look at yourself, evaluate what's going on, and thinking for yourself. Exploring. Don't convince yourself that you're perfect, in God's eyes, you are blameless, but you have to be humbled by that not uplifted above His eyes. I am learning humility like crazy, and looking back on who I was a year ago this time amazes me and encourages me like crazy. Truth grows within questioning and seeking. I'm trying to do this. Who's with me?

"Being a Christian is about engaging the mind and heart more and more, not shutting them off or letting someone else think for you. The writer Peter urged Christians to be alert. Paul tells his listeners in Thessalonica to test everything and hold onto the good." - Rob Bell

So there you have it, my commentary for this period in my life.

Desiring to be anchored in truth, seeking the FACE of God, not just His works.

Recognizing that The Lord exists everywhere, and I am called to know Him and make Him known.

Colossians 3:1-17

Yep. Truth. Let's do this.

Welp!

Lots of big realizations, lots of new lessons, and lots and lots of truth.

I'm excited to write about it.

I'll get back to you soon :)

Tell me...

What happened to you?

Fireflies by Owl City is definitely part of my life soundtrack these days.

My mind is scattered all over the place, and my heart is anxious.

Lord, sustain me with your voice and the choice to walk in truth.

Sheesh, You're so dang awesome, God.

"All I know is that your God is very powerful" - Regina.

That He is.

Amen.

Coffee-ing.

Photo by: John Fogleman

This morning, I realized lines I need to set for myself.

Today, I learned what determination looks like for me.

Today, I saw one of my best friends in a way I've never seen her before.

This afternoon, I set those lines.

This evening, I rested in a community that just isn't enough for me.

This evening, I prayed for the Lord to sustain me with His voice and for the choice to walk in truth.

Tonight, I'm going to rest in this. I'm going to sit with my coffee, and maybe my pipe, and I will simply just be. I'm resting in the fact that I am good enough, I will find what the Lord longs for me to seek, and I will live in that encouragement.

I will remember my mission in America and my heart in Estonia. 

I will fight for those hearts who do not know Him, for the hearts that He has placed in my life to seek and to love; the hearts He is jealous for.

Today, I replaced a memory of someone who stole my heart with no warning, with no remorse, and with no backbone, with a memory of encouragement and beauty; a memory to re-watch as the moment I realized how much I love one of my closest friends and the lengths I will go to for her. I am aware of my hearts purpose there, and I will seek it out.

Thank you Blackbird. You provide such an amazing environment for me to relax in your giant red chairs with the warmth of community, the smell of coffee, and the hint of hope in the air; a slight glimpse of what is to come for my growing heart in this small town. Thank you for making me feel safe and limitless. For allowing me to feel like I know no stranger, like I'm on an episode of "Cheers." Thank you for your open arms, and not to mention your cheap prices :)

Lord, sustain me with your voice and the choice to walk in truth.

Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest.

Scarcity

When we define something as scarce it means we have an unlimited amount of a desire for something from a limited resource. 

Time is scarce. Money is scarce.

I was sitting in my Econ class yesterday and my professor was explaining this to us and I started to think of things that are scarce in my life.

Time, yes. Money, yes. Love, occasionally. Prayer, sure. Friends, absolutely. Intimate meeting with the Lord, can be.

But here's the catch for me. All of these things that I consider scarce, the Lord claims are unlimited. His love is overflowing, He knows no time, my money is His, prayer is on my heart, friends grow through the love of Christ and in that prayer I realize that His grace is sufficient for me and it is then that I meet face to face with the Lord.

So, heres what's up...

My heart feels heavy lately and I can't tell if its a good heavy or a bad heavy. I have a lot on my mind and a lot on my heart that I'm confused about. But I know one thing: the things I consider scarce and limited, the Lord simply smiles and says to me, "I am more than enough for you. Anchor yourself in me. We are winning, I AM fighting for you."

We have only heard the greatest whispers of how great He is. Let's keep listening.

Home is where the heart is.

I miss you, Eesti.

It's weird to call this home, but the last few days have definitely helped. I stepped out, I breathed in the southern air, I went on a bike ride, I watched heat lightning, I walked into a room I was terrified to be in but walked into open arms, I re-decorated, I re-organized, and I feel like I'm beginning to see my challenge here in America. I need to learn to just be. To be present, and to see the Lord when it feels that I'm looking into fog.

In all of this, I saw you. 

My heart is beginning to feel lighter, and I find myself keeping busy so that I don't day dream too much about a potential life in Estonia for me.

So many things have been revealed to me about my future, and I'm excited to come to God with them and have Him answer exactly where my heart should be.

Bring it on world, I'm ready.

"I've always believed I was made for something BIG. Now, I'm just waiting."

Tere, Tere, Tere!

A letter written to you, copied and pasted to try to even come close to explaining what the Lord is doing in my heart.
"Hello, Hello, Hello! Good day! So, its about 2:30 pm of the second full day of camp. For some reason, my heart is heavy and I just wanted to e-mail you when I had a quick minute to sit and just be for the first time today. Working with my team has been amazing and there are a few Estonian traditions that I've taken part in that have made this an interesting experience...like sauna...they do it like twice a week european style...naked. Awkwarrrdd hahahah but there have been a lot of funny stories. Being here seems real but thinking about being at home seems the opposite of a reality. Its weird, its like the world, or mine at least just paused. Now, I'm sitting in a place where my heart feels at work and like theres movement and that I'm found in this love, in the arms of love (as hillsong united sings.) Its a frightening, amazing, and a full feeling all at once. You met me at a critical point in my life. I don't know if you know that or not, but the last year (and the years to come, I'm sure) has been and will be absolutely nuts. The Lord has completely taken control of my heart and is pulling me along. I'm terrified to let go of Him, but I'm terrified to follow. I love it here, but I'm scared the Lord is going to tell me to live here, and if that's the case, then its going to be such a hard move. Estonia is a dark, dark place, but the spirit here is so authentic that thinking about it and writing this to you is making me cry. I told an eleven year old girl yesterday that she had a purpose, that she meant something to someone, to me, and that it wasn't by chance that she was here. Someone translated for me, but I feel like she knew what I had said because before the translation she was already crying. No one had ever told her she had a purpose before. My heart is broken, my spirit is vulnerable, and I feel like I no longer have the ability to make plans because the Lord just does what he wants, and I just go. Dang, that scares me. I guess the reason in me telling you all of this, is that I need to ground myself in some things instead of just floating around in the spirit, and saying this to you makes it real for me. "I don't know where I'm going. I've been blinded by the truth. Between the graveyard and the garden there's a road that leads to you.' -Jason Upton. I have no clue where the Lord is going or pulling me, but I know it leads to Him. That's my mind and my heart this exact moment. Pray that I won't get distracted and that I can stand so the enemy flees. Satan has no claim on this nation.
Psalm 2:8 "only ask, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance" Shootdang. Especially be praying for this 11 year old girl (Kaia-Liisa) and her heart, that she be planted in good soil and not fall on the path to be trampled or taken by the enemy. I want her so badly to believe that she is loved by the one who created her, the one who created ev-ry-thing. Amen? Amen. I hope you're well. I'm alive, and I love it here.
Talk to you soon :)

In Him,
Samantha"

Now, I'm back in the Capital of Estonia, Tallinn, after being on the Island of Saareema, and I can barely believe that we're leaving tomorrow morning. I'm not ready, and my heart has begun to find its roots.
I'm excited to be so rooted in the Lord, and to continue to love him no matter where my roots are planted.

So for now, just go. After that, breathe. Then, we'll see :)

Estonia, I'm crazy about you.

Quit it.

I've been so attacked lately.

Sitting in the car, driving to see someone who holds my heart and the soon-to-be love of my life in her belly...I lost it. I was screaming crying to God for peace, confidence, the release of fear.

And it hit me, in the darkest of days, I will find a way to call your name. You're my hope in it all.

I'm leaving this country in ten days from now and my dad is currently sitting on the foot of my bed playing the guitar and singing to me because I am laying in bed feeling more sick than I have in a while. This is so real to me. This is hope to me. This is love. 

Today, my mom told me how God showed up to her on the golf course, and told me she was so happy from it that she danced by her self for an hour in my house with the music blaring. This is joy, not just happiness. This is peace, and this is what it looks like to have empty hands.

My heart is so ready to go to Estonia in ten days I can barely contain it.

This week will be HUGE and I can't WAIT until I'm finally in a country that hold so much of my heart already.

"Look to the skies, hope arise

see His majesty revealed.

More than this life, there is love

there IS hope and this IS real."

Hillsong. Yes.

Tomorrow.

Let's seek this out.

Goodness, my heart is soaring a bit.

Life necklace continued.

I had this like necklace...

It had a bike, a camera, and a compass charm on it.

All I need is a compass for direction, a bike to get there, and a camera for the memories along the way.

I have a much needed lighter to burn the older images that I am laying down today.

That necklace broke, but I have my compass, I have my bike, and I have my camera.

I need a new lighter, but thats not hard to find; neither is the courage to use it.

Sweet, lets go.

Quote it up.

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships, so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."

-W.M Paul Young

"Nobody wanted God in a box, just in a book. Especially an expensive one bound with gilt edges, or as that guilt edges?"

-W.M Paul Young

"Perhaps there is a suprarationality: reason beyond the normal definitions of fact or data-based logic; something that makes sense only if you can see a bigger picture of reality. Maybe thats where faith fits in."

-W.M Paul Young

"No matter what God's power may be, the first aspect of God is never that of the absolute Master, the Almighty. It is that of the God who puts himself on our human level and limits himself."

-Jacques Ellul

Chew on that a bit.

Could you really be out there?

Let's seek this out.

Brief.

For, hopefully only a brief, moment I have lost all confidence in myself. ever.

Don't we go up from here?

Time to start walking, hiking, anything to get there.

I am still running.

I don't like this lately, and I'm done with anything other than truth.

Okay, let's do this.

Step one: Breathe.

Step two: Be.

Step three: Believe.

Step four: Do.

Armastama: v.- Love.

Love is a verb, even in....especially in Estonian.

Goodness.

Talk about an amazing weekend.

Talk about a blessed summer.

Talk about all the confirmation and truth over my life.

I'm not all talk, and man, does that feel good.

This life

"This life is yours and hope is rising as your glory fills our hearts.

LET LOVE TEAR DOWN THESE WALLS when creation will come back to you, 

its all for you." - Tear Down the Walls by Hillsong United

First of all: if you haven't listened to or bought the new Hillson CD yet, you are missing out big time.

Secondly: its titled, "A_Cross // The_Earth: Tear Down the Walls"

so, I was driving back from work today and it HIT me....

A wooden cross and our earth divided; tear down the walls.

Bring heaven to earth! Cool, Hillsong! way to play on words. Across the universe let LOVE tear down the walls between a cross and the earth!

Dear summer, 

you seem to have broken me a little bit in a beautiful way so far, but I'm pretty excited to see where everything is going to lead me. Just promise not to break me in a negative way. I want to be encouraged, in love, humbled, loved, forgiven, worth something. In my God, I have that, I am that, because of who He says He is. I have a faith proved of more worth than gold. Summer, there will be so much growth and joy in you. Hope is rising.

Sincerely, 

Samantha

sweetly broken.

I have nothing to say, but I want to write.

I have nothing to offer, but I want to live.

Despite this, I can and will write; I can and will live.

Bittersweet might possibly be the worst feeling ever.

"All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to praise, I have a reason worship."

you. are. still. God.

I am who I am in my broken, dirty, sinfulness apart from you,

but you are still who you say you are. You are still God.

No matter what breaks, no matter who breaks, no matter when my heart is broken-

you are still God.

This summer, I will rest in that.

I'm starting to feel again. Hosanna!

Humbled.

I am so humbled. 

I was restless, and now I am at peace. Was blind, but now I see.

Amazing grace.

Off I go! day by day, I want to fall deeper in love with you, God. 

I want to constantly die to myself.

"Sam, turn around and face your savior. Tell Him the desires of your heart. Tell Him whats up."

God, you are tearing down walls all across the earth, and in my very heart.

I'm in for an awakening of my soul this summer and I can't contain myself!

Lord, USE ME! 

"Save me! I'm all yours! I look high and low for your words of wisdom!

The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me, but I'm concerned only with your plans for me.

I see the limits to everything human, but the horizons cannot contain your commands!"

Psalm 119: 89-96

I have nothing to give, for I know you satisfy. All I am is nothing.

So, here I go. I'm stepping into YOUR wealth and YOUR spirit to claim who I am

in you.

All glory and the power is yours, Amen!

Summer 2009: here I come!

Hosanna.

Today was a beautiful rollercoaster ride JUST to remind me: love is a verb.

I'm going to dive into John 17, and enjoy these next few weeks.

When all else fades, my soul with dance with you where the LOVE last forever.

Dear world, 

Goodnight for now. Maymester, consider yourself conquered! My heart will sleep in peace, genuinely through grace tonight. I'm preparing for the next few weeks of burying my heart so deep into a community of counselors on fire for our God, loving kids, and showing them love; love as a verb, then jumping into a week at the beach with my lovely small group ladies from athens, and then to rest in what will one day become my home in another country.

God, you are good. How great is our God.

Do not worry, in ALL of this we are more than conquerors. 

Love, Samantha.

You'll come.

Inhale.

My heart was so beautifully broken today. I won't be seeing any faces the rest of today I think. 

I want to sit, and listen, and just BE, and know that He is God.

I'm so excited for the next few days. I have a feeling that I will learn so much.

My discouragement is changing. I no longer will have an expectation from any earthly man, woman, or event. I'm trusting in the one who is holding me, the one who hold my soul, the one who calls me clean, beautiful; beloved. 

I am still running. 

I am seeking this out.

I am giving it up to YOU.

Shadow am I

Shadow am I.

Mewithoutyou, Oh how I have missed you.

I love this weekend :)

Today.

Words of affirmation.
Lord, thank you for them.

I once wrote, "Today, I took your advice and skipped down the halls."
Today, I'm altering this.

I love days like today where memories overlap and new memories take the places of old ones. Often, scars will become something to look back at and smile.
Days where I want to meet alone with my God, honor him with my schoolwork, dive into great music, read an even greater word, enjoy a cup of ethiopian coffee, and simply do the earthy works that I have to do in order to honor the heavenly works my father set for me long ago.
Today, I'm resting in Ephesians 2:10.
Today, I'll genuinely smile at the autumn sun in a Milledgeville summer sky. I will wear sweat pants...all day...and feel beautiful, I will get all that I need to get done, done, and Lord, I will be encouraged.

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

te envio un besito.

what a day.

Good love is on the way.

what else?

"Stars do not last forever. At the end of their life, they explode, or they fall apart. But, either way, they're emitting their energy into the very space they came from."
-Dr. Donovan Domingue

In Genesis God says to let the trees grow from the very seeds in which they were planted.

"What else are you going to live for except what is keeping you alive?"
-Dr. Donovan Domingue

What else can I do but worship?
what else can I do but bow?

This Astronomy class is creating an awesome movement if anything, in me, and I can't wait for these next few weeks.

"A lamp on a stand is what you've called us to be, but I desire to be a lighthouse."
-Brett James Shields

recent.

I'm learning to love pictures like this lately...

along with my obnoxious laugh, and lemon-lime gatorade.

I'm excited for these next few weeks.

one word: motion.

"You're sparkle is the reflection in my eye."

What we hate we make, what we hate we make.

There's no time for hatin'

'cause what we hate, we make.

Somethings about to change, 'cause I can feel it in my heart today

and I know its not the first time, but I bet it won't be the same

'cause you know I'm at an all time low,

so, heres a song just so you won't go. 

'Cause thats the only thing that I know.

waging war.

I AM winning .

Breathe

"I guess the answer is: don't do it in the first place."

-The Special Two by Missy Higgins

I'm loving Missy Higgins lately, and this new chapter beginning to be written.

Well, here we go!

home.

Its where your heart is.

Today, my heart skipped a beat as I took the next step with my new love: my house in Milledgeville.

I love it. I'm in love with it.

Its green, and beautiful...kind of like those eyes I like.

This is such a blessing, such an amazing gift in my life that I've been given the amazing opportunity to have. 

Its a bit noisy, though. I feel like I'm in an apartment in the city.

I can hear all the cars, sirens, and drunk 3am street walkers at night.

But during the day, there is such a peace to my new, quaint, green, beautiful house.

I'm finally getting to play house.

I have a kitchen!

Goodness gracious, THIS is wonderful. Not just the house, but this new found release.

Chapter 18 of life is coming to an end, and what a beautiful ending that is.

Where I stood.

I'm not who I was, and I'm not who I am.

Today, I followed your narrative and walked as if North Clark street was my runway.

"The city lights laid out before us, and your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder."

So, where to now?

WORD.

I haven't been diving into God's word as much lately. I've been so distracted. Last night, I was asked why I was feeling down, and almost immediately asked how long its been since I've been in the word. BINGO! My heart has been troubled because I haven't jumped into God's word! So, I started to.
This is so powerful.
In My Utmost for His Highest for today it says, "God never guides us at some time in
the future, but always here and now. Realize that the Lord is here
NOW, and the freedom you receive is immediate." 

THE FREEDOM WE RECEIVE IS IMMEDIATE!  Thats awesome. 

So, from that, I took the scripture he references (John 14:1 and 14:27) Jesus says this, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and also trust in Me." Then in 14:27 He says, "I am leaving you with a gift- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."

The peace you have asked for is upon you. Clean I call you, clean you came.

Go after it today, seek out questions, and notice the spirit in the immediate response. 

Sick & tired.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm annoyed with being annoyed.

I am done with being done.

I want to live in peace, sleep in peace, love in peace and out of love.

God, you are so good. You are so faithful. You provide every time.

You run after me. I run away and you RUN after me. 

You are running after me.

I have found the answer: its to love you and be loved by you alone.

Today, I will laugh, I will smile, I will rest in the beauty of this week in the first place I see it: the natural world around me.

Thank you, Father.

I'm there, wherever that is, but not for long.

Make believe

"Mountains groan and seas roar because all they know

is you for who you are, 

bright morning star.

Jesus, make me believe like they believe."

I am resting in the gifts of Shane&Shane and filled with encouragement backed by determination.

Bring it on, world.

I'm ready.

rest:

I need it.

restitution:

I have it.

peace:

I'm aware of it.

love:

I got it.

Beautiful Friday.

Good morning, Good Friday.

How beautiful the blood?

I will rest in this.

Restitution

noun: the restoration of something lost or stolen to it's proper owner.

"This is restitution for the love you've thrown away." - Settle Down by Cartel

Today was restitution for the ambition I lost sight of. 

Goodness, gracious, God is so good! My heart has been restored and just in time! 

Happy easter everyone :)

Fire.

Today, my heart felt heavy and broken. So, I started reading Romans 8, that we are more than conquerers, and that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. I felt a need for confidence in who God says He is and who God says I am.

I’ve been reading a lot about and studying the idea that we are literally like vines on a branch, and from that understanding what comes of trees like paper, or fire and the characteristics of the two. I looked up, “He set me on fire and I’m burning alive” and Google gave me this girl's blog from Thailand named Amanda from November 16, 2008 which spoke SO much truth to my soul in this moment. God did that! He completely spoke her you and her words and confirmed that He is who He says He is and I am who He says I am.

He set me on fire, and I am burning a live.

I am of the vine. I produce fruit, shade, paper, and fire for my God.

“I want to yearn for you,

I want to burn with passion for you and only you.

Lord, I want to yearn.”

-Shane&Shane

"He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.

With His breath in my lungs, I am coming undone.

I cannot hold it in and remain composed.

Loves taken over me, and so I propose the letting myself go.

I am letting myself go.

You are my joy."

-You are my joy by David Crowder

Paper and fire.

I am beginning to wear thin.

I'm feeling flimsy, and dry. 

The smallest spark might catch to me and burn me to ashes.

next step: beauty for ashes.

Lord, root me so deep in you.

Live in me, of the vine.

"If there's blood on roots, then there's blood on the branches."

-The Chariot

Fire and paper.

I'm going to make the most of this.

step one: rest

step two: inhale.

step three: jump

step four: exhale.

step five: breathe.

live.

Badass.

"The fullness of Your grace is here with me

The richness of Your beauty’s all I see

The brightness of Your glory has arrived

In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance

Rejoice in this divine romance

Lift my heart and my hands

To show my love, to show my love"

I want to live in a divine romance. 

I want to be divinely placed into a romance.

I want to live for divine appointment, and love in your name.

"Oh, holy one, your story is deep, I will look at the whole rather than the not. 

You place conversations divinely and you open up our eyes." 

I want to be like Paul - completely lose sight of this world and be fixated, lost, and consumed with my glorious King. Not to mention, to quote Brett Shields, "Paul is a badass."

Our God is a poet

That He is.

Today, I sat in the back. I watched.

I turned off my mouth, and turned on an opened mind.

The topic? Poetry.

See, here's the thing: God is a poet.

Everything about our lives here mirrors literature.

We are a blank page for lack of better explanation. Have you ever seen a portrait made from text? That is what we are.

As of last week I am a proud owner of a Cooper Van Rossum original work of art. Its a wooden canvas, white washed, with a portrait of Abraham Lincoln's assassinator, John Wilkes Booth, made from the text of a biography of Abraham Lincoln.

We are a wooden canvas, white washed, with a portrait of our God, made from the text of our biographies.

I long to be that work of art.

And God, well, He's like Cooper: an artist, a poet, using his abilities to create a portrait. For our God, its of himself, made of our lives.

I long to be that work of art.

I am a lighthouse

worn by the weather and the waves.

I keep my lamp lit to warn sailors on their way.

-Nickel Creek

My days have been all run together like the first time I ever tried to use watercolors.

I used too much water...so it made the color a faded fill-in-the-blank; completely run together,

which brings us to life lately: completely run together. 

My days are becoming a lot like my room at my parent's house: an organized mess. 

My heart? I'm loving the growing pains. 

"You call us to be lamps on a stand, but I desire to be a lighthouse." - Brett James Shields.

I will rest in that.

'cause you've got a ring-less finger

and I could go buy a ring right now, well, actually I don't have any money...but thats okay

'cause I can figure it out.

I'm doing everything for you because I love to be near you

something just takes me away to a place where I'm happy.

I'm doing everything for you, yeah you know that I adore you

and I just can't take it anymore.

-Bryce Avery.

Yep. Thank you :)

It's madness.

The past few days have been absolutely beautiful.

"Oh, my soul is singing. 

Is this everything you've hoped for?

Is this everything you've dreamed? 

I think it is, if the real point is seen.

So, in this hour, everything I do will be all for this moment. Every thing's for you.

My heart is open and willing, so take it!"

Gosh, Bryce Avery, you are so great. Truly great.

My heart is on fire, and I'm all sorts of confused...but I couldn't be more happy with where my life is going. And in this exact moment? I'm getting ready to go to the beach!

Tomorrow: Tybee Island, The next day? who knows!

Harmony

I am desiring to live in harmony.

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed.

But I'm overwhelmed by the amazing grace and beauty of God.

This week, this world, Milledgeville: its all a part of a big story and its beautiful.

Newest artwork

The way I see it: Love wins. Plain and simple.

Set the world on fire.

I'm going to set the world on fire, so that its burning bright for you.

Its everything that I desire. Can I be the one you use?

I'm so overwhelmed by the amazing beauty and GRACE of God.

Beautiful.

"Does someone hear my cry? I'm dying for new life. 

I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, and be amazed.

I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough.

I just want to be worthy of love, and beautiful."

Thank you, Bethany Dillon.

Its taken me 18 years to believe that I am beautiful, and that the beautiful sunrise I sacrifice sleep for, the one that makes me cry and feel like a small part of something huge, I was made to look like that. And not to maybe one day after years of work look like that, but I was initially made by the God of the universe to look exactly like that. 

God is so good.

My heart, is for every heart of every woman in this world to know that.

LISTEN UP!

you're so stinkin' beautiful. You make all people stand in awe with your confidence and poise. BELIEVE THAT! Because its nothing but complete and utter truth.

Quit believing the lies that everyone tells you.

Know this:

You're free, you're beautiful, you are LOVED, you are captivating, you are adventurous, you're brilliant, you are of the vine: Jesus the true vine (John 15), you are alive.

Emmanuel, God with us, He is alive and we are free.

Sibilings

I love mine with ever fiber in me.

"The heart has reason which reason knows now. Sometimes, I'd like to kick mine in the behind."

"Desire is desire everywhere you go, I've heard."

1 Peter

The hope of eternal life.

1:6-7

"So, be truly glad, there is a wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold."

Hey, thanks God. 

Talk about a weekend of blessings!

"Daughter, be encouraged, your faith has healed you." - Matthew 9:22

Welcome.

This is going to be my encouragement to you and reminder to myself to be content, fulfilled, and happy; to be at peace. To let go of inhibitions, to free yourself of weight; to let go and have empty hands.

So, here I go.

Today, be encouraged!